Sunflower Reviews

Ria - A Murder In Disguise

Reviewer: Ria (fire_dragon_24)

Review: A Murder In Disguise

Client: El_Pa_Ca1601

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Cover and Blurb: The cover was very fitting for the book. I loved it and felt that it represents the book very well. No changes need to be made to it. I also found the blurb to be almost perfect. It contains enough information to give the reader an idea of what the book is about, but also invites the reader to get more answers. I commend the author on it and think that only a few minor changes are needed.

This is how it can be made a little better:

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Halloween party! Sounds fun, right? It is. Until the humans in ghostly costumes turn out to be real ghosts.

Emily, Hannah and Grace are three ordinary girls residing in Vancouver, Canada, struggling to pursue their dreams in anart institute. But what if they are compelled to visit a party and play a stupid murder game?

Well, Halloween games are fun. Why would this be any different?

The game begins with a series of events, leading it's players to situations where they are damned if they follow the instructions, and damned if they don't.

What will happen if the game goes further than it should?

What will Emily, Hannah and Grace do?

Will they enjoy being a part of what seems to be a game, but is actually the beginning of a series of crimes? (This can be added "Or will they be horrified?")

Are you ready to experience the thrills of Halloween with Emi, Hannah and Grace?

I have not changed a lot. This is because generally speaking, the blurb was excellent. However, there were a few grammatical mistakes and incorrect uses of vocabulary.

Grammar: Overall, the grammar and and use of vocabulary was nothing but marvelous. The descriptions in the book were also great. It helped give the reader a way to visualize the events that were occurring. I commend the author on this and must add an excerpt from the book to showcase the brilliant vocabulary.

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I woke up in a room surrounded by bright lights. My eyes flickered painstakingly as my pupil struggled to adapt to the immensely white surroundings. My heavy eyelashes kept dropping down, making my view intermittent.

After a small conquest with myself, my senses began functioning, enabling me to organize my wavered thoughts. I figured the walls around me were all whitewashed, and a sound of a beeping could be heard from a place somewhere above my head.

As soon as my mind grasped that I have been lying on a hospital bed, my reflexes responded. I snapped my head out of the soft, spongy, white cushion, trying to get up, pushing my elbows.

This is an amazing paragraph, similar to the others in the book. However, a few grammatical errors can be spotted.

For example: "As soon as my mind grasped that I have been lying on a hospital bed" should be "As soon as my mind grasped that I had been lying on a hospital bed." The "have" should be in past tense as that was the format for the entire chapter.

Also, "pupil" should have been "pupils".

Similar mistakes have been done throughout the book, but nothing too big.

Another example: The scene right after the last excerpt "However, unexpectedly, my body being too debilitated to react, disregarded my intentions, throwing me back at the patient's bed" should be "Unexpectedly, my body was thrown back at the patients bed with complete disregard to my intentions. I wasn't able to react as my body was too debilitated to do so."

I also noticed that you used "However, unexpectedly" in other chapters as well. I would recommend using "however" in the sentence and then adding "unexpectedly" later on, or completely cutting out "however".

Plot: The plot is great! It keeps the reader hooked, adds a little bit of suspense and at some points, makes you horrified. In my opinion, those are the main components that the plot should contain in a mystery/thriller/horror story. A great job is done on that. It's slightly cliché but is not lacking at all in the originality sector. I wouldn't change anything about it! However, only fifteen chapters are written so far. I'm not sure where it will go, but it seems to be moving in the right direction.

Characterization: The main characters are Emi, Hannah and Gracie. In my opinion, the characterization is one of the only lacking points in the book. The personality's of the girls are not very pronounced. The plot seems to be moving at a great pace, but it's missing what the girls are actually like. Maybe the character development will be shown in the remaining chapters. I would definitely recommend for that to be done. So far, from what I can tell,, Martha is a character who is fierce but loving at the same time. I absolutely love that she is acting as a mother figure for the girls, kind of like the last link to complete a chain. Other than that, not a lot of characterization has been done. I hope it's done in future chapters.

Overall enjoyment: This book was a great read! With suspense, thrill, mystery and the aspect of gore, I believe it is truly a exceptional book. Overall, it contains all the aspects which I find in my dictionary for a perfect mystery/thriller book, and will be phenomenal once polished and perfected just once. I recommend for the author to finish the book and then edit it. To clear out the grammatical mistakes, it can be sent over to the sunflower editing center. I really enjoyed the book and think it has an immense amount of potential.

I hope this review was helpful to you and not too harsh. I'm sorry if it was. Good luck to you and I hope you keep up the great work!

-Ria xx