Sunflower Reviews

Lina - Her Brother's Keeper: A Story of Alpha Centauri

Reviewer: Lina (linalagosya)

Review: Her Brother's Keeper: A Story of Alpha Centauri

Client: arkham71

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Title/Cover:

I think the title suits a sci-fi novel when put altogether. It gives the sense that maybe this is one of many stories set in this world, which is cool. With just "Her Brother's Keeper," however, it does give a bit of a sense of Jodi Picoult novel or something of the same ilk. I would give a think to see if there's some way to insert some kind of hint to the world and genre of the story within that primary title.

I can appreciate what you were trying to do with the cover, but aesthetically I have to be honest, it's not great. The lettering feels very dated and hard to read, and the world we're seeing isn't a dynamic enough image, nor does it tell us what the story is about. Maybe take a look at some of your favorite sci-fi novels (of this day and age) and see if that inspires you to go a different direction with it.

Summary:

The summary is a bit long for Wattpad but if it was on the back of the book I think the length suits. So that's just a matter of what you're aiming for! For the most part I think the information you're giving away is the right kind. My main suggestion would be to start with character (and give her a name), and then go into world, and then go into plot. "Immerse yourself in a world" feels like you talking to the reader, trying to entice them. Instead of using that gimmick, jump into the story synopsis. "All Christiana has ever known is the dystopian society she's grown up in...." etc.

Some things I think you need to include to make the synopsis make sense: why her brother needs protecting, and what the choice is that she's facing exactly. It's a bit unclear as is. Other details can be cut in the service of this. For example, we don't need to know her brother is entering junior high, as that has literally no bearing on the synopsis. Pull it out and it doesn't change anything for the reader as they don't yet know the significance of that. The other part that is unclear is if she's competing against her sister or not. What are the actual stakes - what might she lose? That part I don't understand from reading this.

Grammar:

Don't really have anything to say for this category. It was spot on. There were no noticeable or repeated errors. A typo here and there, but they were very sporadic. A proofread would take care of them easily.

Writing Style:

Overall, your writing itself, at the sentence level, was good. There were no big errors, no odd sentence structures, no awkward run on sentences. In terms of mechanics, your writing is solid and it's not a slog to read, which is nice. That being said, your writing style is so expositional and so plot-y, it makes the writing a bit hard to engage with.

It's okay to just imply things about the world or show it through scenes, dialogue, character interaction, action, etc without feeling like you have to explain it all in an expository dump, which is what all of your chapters are. I'll speak to this a bit below in the plot section, but the only actual action that really happens in the first eight chapters is that Christiana leaves school and goes home, has a talk with her mom, then goes to bed. She has a few conversations sprinkled throughout. And that's it. That's eight whole chapters of your story. About 16,000 words of your story, at least. Probably more. That's a lot to devote to so little plot. And there isn't much character building in the process. It's all just explaining every minute detail of the world. And it's great that you know the world. You did the solid work of building this whole society. The culture, the history, the science. That's awesome! But we don't need to hear every detail of it. Just tell the reader what they NEED to know. And try to do it in ways that sneaks the information in or makes it quick. Give them a little trust too. Don't feel like if you show something through a character's dialogue that you then also have to explain it thoroughly in the prose.