Sunflower Reviews

Chelsea - Cave Canem

Reviewer: MrsCLSmith

Review: Cave Canem

Client: ArcherPoole

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Cover:

The cover is good. I think it makes sense and fits the story well. It sort of reminds me of those old animorphs covers. I think it's the hyper realistic /photographed animals that have had some editing, maybe? The text looks good and is legible. I think I'd maybe want the entire thing to be a little more saturated, a little less faded if I was being picky, but overall, it's a solid cover.

Title:

I like the title too. The alliteration makes it catchy and memorable. Since you've only got five chapters published, it's difficult to see why you chose it, but I like it nonetheless.

Blurb/Summary:

If you read my reviews before the great profile hack of 2021, you'll know that I'm not a fan of blurbs that don't contain any summary and are only dialogue from the story. While I think the particular section you've chosen to highlight is exciting and would potentially draw in some readers, I think you should consider writing an actual blurb.

Writing Style, Grammar, and Mechanics:

Your grammar is near flawless. I don't come across that often, so I really enjoyed reading the first five chapters of your story. All I have to say is great job!

In terms of formatting, I have some suggestions that you might consider when you edit. These are just a few things that could polish your story and make it seem more professional when and if you decide to query it.

One thing that I noticed that stuck out to me is that your dialogue tags are inconsistent. For example, you do a mixture of "Zayne said" and "said Zayne." The former is generally preferred, but the most important thing is to be consistent. It may seem sort of silly, but it really goes a long way in making a narrative feel professional.

Consider taking the quotation marks off of thoughts. I know that this story has the more unique quality of having two characters speak to one another inside of one of the character's mind. However, I think you should consider keeping it formatted as thoughts (italicized) in order to show the reader that it's not actually being said aloud.

Plot:

So, since only 5 chapters are being reviewed here, and there isn't really a blurb to clue me in on where things might be going, I'm a little limited on my knowledge of the plot map here. I do, however, really like what I've read so far. The world building is really promising. I could see some familiar touches from recognizable religions in the lingo, but you've really gotten creative with your setting and the magic/religious system. All of those little creative touches, like the information the priest explains to Zayne about the Church of the Trinity were my favorite parts.

In terms of improvement, I think the pacing is a little slow at parts. I think it's the excessive descriptions. While many of your descriptions are thoughtful and gorgeous, they often go on for too long. I found myself wanting to skip to action or dialogue on more than one occasion. I think you should consider editing and removing the sentences where you're repeating yourself/ telling what you're about to show. For example, I believe this is from chapter three, you say, "The room he was in was plain," then go on to describe the plainness of the room. You don't need that first sentence because, after, you show the audience that it's plain. It's redundant in that way.

Characters:

Zayne Goldenclaw is a cool and admirable character so far. I haven't been able to learn much of his background/get to know him too much because he's dealing with a lot in these first five chapters. He does face every battle so far with decorum and grit. I'm interested to see what he does about the whole demonic possession thing. I also would like to see some more introspection from him. Like, why isn't he more curious as to why he was sent instead of a guard? Why doesn't he sweep the perimeter before entering the house? Why isn't he more curious or worried about the girl? I think you need to insert more of his motives and thought process into the narrative to develop him further.

Also, I have to be honest, his name made me kind of chuckle when I first read it. This is personal opinion, of course, but the last name specifically is so very generic fantasy hero, that I got a little laugh. I'm sure it's a reference to the wolf inside of him, but still, it's a little on the nose for me. Father Briartree got a similar reaction honestly, and I'm sure it has some sort of deeper meaning like he seems innocent at first but is actually dangerous, but again, a little on the nose for me to do anything but chucke. That being said, those sorts of names are classic fantasy and should be expected in the genre; I just get a giggle out of it.

Recommendation:

I think that once more chapters are published/the story is complete, I'd recommend this story to a fantasy fan.