Sunflower Reviews

Kinal - The Hole Of Sickness

Reviewer: kinalhariya

Review: The Hole of Sickness

Client: Moncef707

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Title and cover

The title 'The Hole of Sickness' is unique. I have never heard of any story with this name. The word 'Sickness' gives out the fact that the story is related to someone who is thoroughly sick. And the word 'The hole' lets us know that it is a deep pit( some major/probably incurable) of sickness.

The cover gives out a horror feel. I loved the way the word 'hole' is written. It enhances the scary feel the background picture is trying to give. I would suggest writing the whole title in white colour. The colour and font used for the words 'of sickness', is not as attractive as the ones used for the words 'the hole'. Personally, I feel the same colour and style would make the cover more attractive.

Blurb
The starting two paragraphs are good and quite interesting. Few more sentences can be added. Otherwise the current information is good too.

What I am confused about is the Introduction and Epilogue given in the blurb. These two titles usually come inside the story. Introduction at the start and Epilogue at the end of the story. However the information provided under the title - Epilogue, doesn't seem like an end to this story. Rather it has the facts about the place.

The first two paragraphs plus the introduction seems like a blurb for one story. And the epilogue seems like another blurb. What is written is interesting but I would suggest making it like one single blurb or dividing it with some symbols instead of putting 'Introduction' and 'Epilogue'.

Sample Blurb (You can choose to ignore it)

"It is said that good and evil are two important concepts of our lives, but after all who are we to decide what's right and what's wrong? What's real and What's fake?"

★★★★

In the year 1844 of the 19th era, Kosie, a thirteen year old child, runs away from his foster father, Mr. Graham to find a cure for his younger brother's illness.

On the way back to home, he encounters a member of the royal family and bizarre events start occurring.

What does this visitor want? Will Kosie be able to return back safely?

(You can end the blurb here. Or remove the last two sentences and add the Epilogue).

....bizarre events start occurring.

While on the other side, the royal system is up for chaos. Just after the mysterious disappearance of Queen Victoria, the royal system finds itself in the pathway of destruction. However, a strange solution is brightened at the distance. Rich families offer to pay all debt in exchange for secret conditions.

Meanwhile, the highest class members develop new structures of buildings called Slums.

After a short time, ........

from all the cities, the industrial city 'ITEFE' becomes a nest of madness.

Coming to the chapters,

Interesting concept. The emotions of Kasie are greatly described. From what I am reading, world building is amazing. A little more practice and improvement in writing, would bring this book to wonders.

The sentence he yelled, "Welcome back Kosie" to himself, was so heart-breaking and nicely conveyed.

The failure of the alchemist and the determination of Kosie was applause worthy. However, the transition between the past and present events can be made more distinguished.

The reflection part of Kosie was really intriguing.

The scene with Horras gave me goose bumps. I was confused when they showed them dead, but it was explained quite nicely. The chemical reaction of the nail was very interesting.

Spacing of the first chapter is way too much than necessary. Writing style of chapter 2 is far better than chapter 1.

Paragraphs are made at appropriate levels. The length of chapters is good. Not too long, not too short.

Characterization is good. Characters are distinguishable and able to evoke emotions. They are the best part of the story after the main concept.

Grammatical errors:

Fluctuating tenses. Punctuations are all over the place, words are missing from the sentences.

First para last line,

What makes it even worse the smell of it.

→What makes it even worse is the smell of it.

Second para,

Kosie look to the left to see a cold structure...

→Kosie looks to the left and sees a cold structure...

"But I already done that, hasn't i?" Kosie thoughts

→"But I have already done that, haven't I?" Kosie thinks.

Or

"But I already did that, didn't I?"

"Waist of time"

→It should be -"waste of time".

The previous man opened the carriage's door and sited on the soft sofa.

→Here the word 'sited' has another meaning. It should be- The previous man.....and sat on the soft sofa.

The letter i should be capitalized.

These are some of the errors. There are similar types of other mistakes too. So look into it.

Suggestion:

I would suggest breaking the sentences, as it will be much easier to understand them.

The writing style and alignment of paragraphs of second and third chapters are much more easy to read. I would suggest writing the first chapter in that way as well.

Over all,

Idea is definitely original. It is really interesting if I ignore all the errors and confusion around it. A separate style to show past memories and current events is desperately needed.

The scenes, characters, thoughts; everything is really awesome. But the way they are presented needs work. Grammar is an issue but the work can be edited through apps. So don't worry too much about it. The Author needs to focus more on making the story more approachable and understandable to the readers.

It is clear that the story has great potential. With some improvements, it can reach new heights.

Thank you for choosing me and all the best for future writing!!