Sunflower Reviews

Lina - One Week

Reviewer: linalagosya

Review: One Week

Client: Kohaku_Leonhardt

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Opening Comments:

This was a great, twisty short story with a descriptive narrative tone. The format was unique and interesting to read, if a little problematic in terms of logic sometimes. Overall, a great start for a short story.

Blurb/Summary:

The summary has a sort of poetic voice to it. Although it is not a traditional blurb, it hints towards the tone and atmosphere of the read in a nice way. It might give away a little too much, so you might want to consider leaning into the poetic nature a bit more and making it a bit more obscure.

Grammar:

Overall the read was smooth in terms of the grammar. The past tense was used pretty well, though there were a few instances of slipping into the present tense. For example, in DAY ONE using "will" instead of "would." Other than that, there were no glaring mistakes.

Character:

This short story is less about the characters and more about the plot, and the word count is very short so I was not expecting to understand the characters inside and out. But something the writer does well here is let us into the betrayal the protagonist feels in a very real way. Though we may not know much detail about their lives, we can feel their pain and understand where they're coming from in a universal way. So even though there wasn't much specificity of character or character building, it worked okay in this short story as is.

Writing Style:

I liked the descriptive, emotional style of the writing. It fit the story well, matching the tone in a way that worked overall. The one thing I would suggest is being careful of starting too many sentences with "I." This is one of the struggles with the first-person narrative, but it's important to break up sentences with different subjects and structures to give some variety to the read. I would recommend reading the story over and flagging any moments where sentences start with "I" more than twice in a row, and then trying to adjust.

Plot + Uniqueness:

I really enjoyed the format of the plot taking place over the course of seven days. Each day held a fun twist or turn that was really compelling to read. It also gave the short story more of a unique feel through the use of this gimmick.

However, sometimes the use of this gimmick took over some of the logic of the story. It feels as if the story actually takes place over more than seven days. The husband references several letters but we only see our protagonist send one. [SPOILERS from here on out] Then after the husband's death, his funeral comes the next day which is way too fast in real life. Instead of having the funeral, maybe there's a way to just have the sister visit after the death to keep her sister company during the tragedy. That might make more sense in terms of keeping to one thing happening each day over the course of the week.

There were some elements of the plot twists that didn't seem to payoff in any way that you might consider cutting. For example, the part about the abortion. That didn't really play into the story in any way, and it's never really explained. I think cutting that from the story will help it read smoother. And since the story is so short, it's better to focus in to the story points that actually matter, such as the murder and the reveal about the sister.

Final Comments:

Overall this is a great start to a short story. I have a few suggestions for improvement, as stated above, but this is a fun, twisty read for those that like domestic thrillers in quick bites.