Sunflower Reviews

Kinal - Timelines Collide

Reviewer: kinalhariya

Review: Timelines Collide

Client: CloneRazorX115

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First of all, thanks for requesting a review again. Seeing that my review brought a positive change means a lot to me. It makes me happy that I was of some help.

Being said that, let's move on to the review.

Blurb:

The current blurb is far better and very interesting. It reveals the required information without making it tiresome. All the issues with the previous one are taken into account. The interesting concept now shows through clearly.

There are only two minor errors I can see, which I have pointed down below. But great progress is seen.

The first sentence sounds incomplete.

Instead of

→In a valley consumed...

You can write:

→A valley is consumed....

Or else

→In a valley, dark forces are consumed, which have been deep...

Then it will look like a complete sentence.

Same case with the last line of the second para.

Instead of

→However, after his legendary signet warrior was killed.

You can write

→However, the legendary signet warrior was killed.

Or else you might have to add something after the word 'killed' to make the sentence complete.

Prologue:

Wow! Just wow! I can see a lot of hard work done. And that work has been fruitful. Not only more informative, the prologue was made really interesting.

The way it is written now, has made it easier to understand the world and the division of groups.

The last line was a great hook. Really powerful. Just end it with a question mark instead of full stop.

None-stop is written instead of Non-stop (in first sentence)

The minor errors keep coming no matter how much we edit. So don't take tension about it.

Major confusion from last time has been swept away.

The huge transformation made in blurb and prologue is awesome. And I am really glad that I got to see it.

Chapters 11-14

Great flow. The chapter moves smoothly. The descriptions are great. It is easy to visualize the scenes.

Characters are introduced nicely. Even if there are too many characters and with similar sounding names (I noticed that all the siblings had their name starting with 'L'.), I still could distinguish them. The sisters have been given proper descriptions and it's enjoyable to read them.

Joseph's emotions about finding them again is nicely shown.

The plot has moved into a very interesting turn. Finding the people he knew from before in another world and all that followed was great. The scene when they found Joseph on the couch, when Lana helped him with his machine, when he met Luna; all these were an absolute delight.

The last scene with the twins has left me burning with curiosity. Great cliffhanger!

Grammatical errors:

Fluctuating tenses, punctuation errors. There aren't too many but still a lot to be called minor errors. So look into them while editing.

I think it should be intentional instead of attentional. (However, attentional is also a word, so I am not sure).

Chpt- 13

It is written- Many she would attract by her...

The sentence looks a little odd...so see if something can be done.

"You ok their dude?" Here 'there' should be used instead of 'their'.

This repeats in the sentence- 'Real smooth their Joseph.'

Ladder is written instead of 'latter'.

Check out these minor errors when you are editing.

Overall,

Awesome work. The story keeps getting interesting and intriguing. There are minor errors and few confusing sentences, but that can be easily ignored. The plot moves smoothly. Blurb and Prologue have really passed the benchmark.

Keep writing this fabulous story!! Looking forward to more of your work.