Exotic Love (Novel)

71

It feels unfamiliar for me to give an excuse. It's a difficult thing to blurt it out. Nevertheless, the words similar to excuses I struggled to blurt out did not work for Yoon Hee-gyeom. Yoon Hee-gyeom briefly let out something that I couldn't tell whether it was a sigh or something.

   "If I had known beforehand, it would be like that with Director Jung.”

   Those words, filled with feelings of regret, were enough to offend my nerves.

   "…..That?"

   I repeated his last words, but Yoon Hee-gyeom turned his head away without continuing his words. He rubbed his face and look away with eyes full of confusion. He didn't say it, but I thought I'd know without hearing the back story. He couldn't have known.

   Had he known beforehand, he wouldn't have sex with me. He wouldn't have met me.

   What Yoon Hee-gyeom spit out was definitely a rejection of me. A denial to me that he wouldn't have even started if he had known I was married.

   "…… ha."

   As my head became faint, I felt like my feet were collapsing. Falling somewhere dark and ugly. It wasn't a gutter. Even worse than that, distressed.....painful, those kind of place. It was a pain that I had never experienced before. It may have resembled the wretchedness of seeing Yoon Hee-gyeom when I first saw him on the screen, but it was unparalleled.

   I had never let go of anything that made me feel dirty. Whatever it was, whether it was a situation, a person, or whatever, it had to be trampled on to make me feel better. But the pain I was feeling right now was so unfamiliar that I didn't know how to deal with it.

    That unfamiliarity activated the defense mechanism inside me.

  "If you knew. What's the difference?"

  There was no more edge in my voice.  As much as I spoke informally, I was able to relax and resonate my voice more calmly than usual. My mood must have changed.  Yoon Hee-gyeom finally turned his head to my change and looked at me.  His eyes were still full of confusion, and it constantly stimulates something inside of me.  Being stimulated by others has a huge impact on me, and I feel like I'm shaking somehow, so my walls has built up thicker in the meantime.

     “Did Yoon Hee-gyeom ssi have any other options?”

  “…….”

  "…Ah. Lee Kyungwon?"

  Do you have any regrets? So, while watching my fists swell, is that why you asked if Lee Kyung-won was okay?  Meeting a married man pricks your conscience, so you want to switch back to Lee Kyung-won? Fuck, is Lee Kyungwon the spare tire or am I the spare tire?

  "Don't you know, to me, Lee Kyung-won, can't do it? Yoon Hee-gyeom ssi, don't you know who to stand in line for to shoot a movie that you love so much?”

  "…Indeed of course Director Jung.”

  "I'm serious if thats how it is."

  “…….”

  "Then what's the difference? It doesn't even matter."

Yoon Hee-gyeom's shaking eyes were causing a stir inside me. Those rumours come out wrong, those rumour about me giving orders so that no one want to invest on Yoon Hee-gyeom's movie. No, really, I never gave Kim Tae-woon such order, so it wasn't my fault. But, this too has somehow become a thing that he thinks I've scheme for his work, he think I had betrayed him, therefore once more that unfamiliar and strange feelings were coming to my mind. I felt stuffy as the pit of my stomach tightened. As the unfamiliarity and distress grew, my walls kept building up.

  "If I ask you now to get on your knees and force you to suck my dick, Yoon Hee Gyeom ssi, aren't you in the position to do it?"

  I don't have to say this. Even though I knew it, I couldn't keep my mouth shut. Yoon Hee-gyeom's eyes have changed. He seem surprised by what I said. Or…

  "What the hell… people, what…….”

  seems to have been hurt.  Even his voice was trembling. But soon he poured out his words with determination.

  “Even when Lee Kyung-won offered to help me, I've never accept it. I've never once thought of making a movie with someone else's power since when I'm still an actor or even now."

  Yoon Hee-gyeom's voice was somewhat desperate. To the extent that I can't help but wonder what he's pleading for.

  "Have I ever once asked Director Jung to help me with the movie?"

There wasn't. There was just respectful sex that fit everything to me. Those sex might not have been the kind of sex he were hoping to be paid for in return. Yoon Hee-gyeom lost everything, but he had such pride. As much as he love the movie, as much as he want to shoot it, he want to be proud of it. If he had harbored perfectionism towards the movie, his dignity seemed to be one of them. Just as he said, he had never asked me for help.

    "Did I say that I couldn't shoot a movie because of Director Jung, so you made an investment? That's why CEO Yang signed the contract because of that condition? You didn't have to. I've never asked you to do that-"

    "Hwadae*." (According to the manhwa, hwadae is the money/reward for selling one's body/ for prostitute)

    There was no bottom to the fall. I don't know where the end is and I fall into the abyss. Feeling stuck in the gutter, I cut him off. That pride, the uprightness attitude he showed me, made me extremely uncomfortable. It was uncomfortable and the nausea got worse. I am such a twisted and negative person so I wasn't able to accept Yoon Hee-gyeom at this moment.

    "Fuck, don't you know Hwadae?"

    What I say will hurt him. His eyes fluttered uncontrollably. As though he's speechless, he didn't continue to plead to me further.

    The pride that he insist on, I didn't understand what it was. I knew that he had such a pure passion for the movie.  But that doesn't change the outcome that he's having sex with me and he's making a movie.

    "Stop putting up useless pride, Yoon Hee-gyeom ssi."

    I can't believe or admit that he didn't have sex with me for my money.

If I admit it, if I accept his integrity...…, I will be swept away by unfamiliar feelings again. I will feel guilty that I intentionally block Yoon Hee-gyeom's way, deceive him as if I was single, and demand sex with his passion for movie as a hostage. I will be engulf by those feelings. But that's not all I've done to him. I'm the one who trampled on actor Yoon Hee Sung's life and destroyed it. Nevertheless, it was unacceptable for him to reject me. I want him and it is absolutely unacceptable for him to reject me.

   A throbbing chest pain bothered me. I couldn't tell if my head was cold or hot. It was dizzy and terrifying. I couldn't think properly and I couldn't make a decision. The guilt and the pain were something nonexistant to me before.  The very feeling of it confuses me. If it was that kind of feeling, I didn't want to feel it.

   I want sex, and Yoon Hee-gyeom satisfies my desires while shooting the movie.  Yoon Hee-gyeom seduced me.  Even if Yoon Hee-gyeom denies that it is not, isn't it clear what his actions are intended to do?  Unless you intend to trap me by knowing what happened in the past, I can't give you any reason other than that you seduced me for the sake of your movie.  In that kind of relationship, my marital status didn't matter.  There is no need for me to feel guilty with the issue of Yoon Hee-gyeom putting up his pride .

   I had to end it there. Even if I had done that, he would have been hurt enough, however Yoon Hee-gyeom face which had hardened by the shock and hurt expression make me harbored venom at the tip of my tongue.

    “For a prostitute to put up his pride. that’s really unattractive.”