Mystery Unsolved Inc True Crime

Donald Buttocks

"Cults are pretty fascinating. They believe some really insane and outlandish things yet despite this, they always seem to gather a lot of members and become very popular. And while we might find cults and their beliefs very funny, they never end well do they?"

"Donald Buttocks was born into a large family of impoverished mandrill map makers. He was born with an eye condition which caused them to lose all of the sight in his left eye and most of the sight in his right eye, because of this he was enrolled in a school for the blind but apparently while he was at this school he was a bully who would beat other students and take their money, at least according to eyewitness reports."

"After he graduated school, he ended up working in acupuncture and traditional medicine which was a really common career for blind people in Aster City. In 2019, he was convicted of practicing pharmacy without a license because he was caught using cybernetic eyes from Betta Life Pharmaceutical and selling unregulated drugs and it was roughly around this time that he started taking a massive interest in the various religions and spiritual teachings from all around the world and he engrossed himself in learning everything that he could about them."

"In 2022, from his one bedroom apartment in the capitol, Donald Buttocks decided to start a new religious order that he named MANDRILL. Donald applied for government registration to get MANDRILL recognized as a legal religion, the authorities were very reluctant at first but after an appeal, MANDRILL was granted government recognition as a legal religious corporation. MANDRILL borrowed teachings from...pretty much every single religious and spiritual order that existed. Everything from Christianity to Buddhism from Nostradamus to yoga and for some reason they even borrowed some teachings and prophecies from Isaac Asimov's science fiction novels."

"Donald claimed that he had the power to cure illnesses and diseases and he also had the power to absorb the sins from a person and transfer onto them magical and spiritual powers and his ultimate goal was to absorb the sins of the entire world so that they would be prepared for what was to come, but what did he mean when he say what was to come? Well, it just wouldn't be a cult without a doomsday prophecy now would it?"

"Donald told his followers that the world was going to come to an end in a nuclear war that would be started by the rest of America and the entire thing would be instigated by certain groups of people that Donald very often blamed for all of the world's problems and conspiracies."

"The people that Donald Buttocks would always blame for the world's problems and conspiracies ranged from rival Aster City religions to the British royal family to the Dutch for some reason, to the Freemasons and it just wouldn't be a conspiracy without them...the Jews."

"Donald said that only those who joined MANDRILL and were enlightened would survive the end of the world and afterwards they would together rebuild a better civilization based on the foundations of Donald Buttocks' teachings."

"But what made Donald Buttocks the man for the job? What made him so special? Well, it was because he declared himself the Christ, in his book 'Declaring myself the Christ' but obviously, a cult needs members. So MANDRILL's PR team got to work in creating media that they could send around to all the outlets and spread the word. Most of these at first were just videos on MANDRILL's teachings and meditation, some of these even featured in Donald Buttocks himself."

"Donald even took himself on tour to do some public speaking, where he was very often wheeled out on stage like an in-flight dinner, as well as making a little bit of money while he did it."

Followers paid thousands of dollars to be blessed by Buttocks to drink his blood or tea brewed from his fur and to wear the MANDRILL trademark headgear fitted with electrodes supposed to transmit the guru's brainwaves.