seen it all before // 10th spam

月を見て！

i've never been allowed to feel stupid or claim my feelings resonate with someone who feels stupid. all because i'm considered "academically successful" or because of my high iq. this minor and random inability puts an odd weight on my shoulders. much like cusses are a form of stress relief, many other expressions are as well. maybe going as far as voicing your troubles as wish for death will let you find a moment of peace in your internal struggles (despite it being a rather controversial and insensitive way of expression). but maybe what i need is to call myself an idiot or say "i'm so stupid". maybe it'll let me breathe for a moment.

and this "issue" doesn't only occur when i'm struggling. if someone else is having a problem and calls themselves stupid, i'm not allowed to show compassion and admit i feel stupid too because they instantly flip the conversation into praising me with the purpose of further putting themselves down. it not only drowns one of my arguments, but also ruins the mood for any other arguments i could've used in order to help.

i don't think academical success, grades, iq or grades should stop someone from feeling stupid. and this isn't some sort of "battle" i'm fighting, it isn't a form of "ugh why can't i just be stupid pls" ... it's not even a plead. i just want you to know how i feel. and i feel stupid. not always, but sometimes i do. and sometimes, i want to call myself stupid without having to hear "please, you're the smartest person here" or "if you're stupid, what am i?"