seen it all before // 10th spam

i'm not obsessed, i'm dependent.

my head hurts so bad. everything hurts so bad. it's mostly overthinking. and the worst part is the fact most of my thoughts are so happy and joyful. i guess just piling up good thoughts starts hurting at some point. maybe i'm just not used to being filled with good thoughts. i hate it. i don't hate being happy, i hate the pain. i wake up all of a sudden every single night wether it's because of a nightmare or because of a good dream. or for no reason at all. and i go through my days as if i'm a walking corpse. i only activate and jump around on some occasions and those seem to be rare.

it's been like this for five days now. while i think it is, it's not stopping. if anything, it might be getting worse.

my tears are getting out easier again. there have been these weeks that have went by during which i was very good at not getting overly emotional and crying at everything. but it's coming back. i saw something on instagram that made me cry even though it's just a post about someone being confused about something as much as i am. confusion makes me cry? yeah, that does make sense. but it makes sense if i overthinking. i don't think there's space in my head for overthinking anymore. it's too filled up already. it doesn't make sense for confusion to make me cry at the very moment i see/read it.

"save me" just came on. that song means so much to me. it was their only song i kept listening to after abandoning them four years ago. it was my quiet savior in the dark. it was my last spark of hope many times. i didn't understand it and i didn't know who the boys singing it were, but it was there for me.