seen it all before // 10th spam

a racoon in a trash can

i'm so... lost and confused right now. i just had the best and the worst lecture at the same time. it was so interesting and entertaining that three hours felt like five minutes... except that moment when my professor directly equated autism to "nothingness" and said that dadaism is essentially autism. i think i stopped breathing in that moment. i had to dig my nails so deep into my neck to wake myself up from the shock. it was like my entire mind exploded so painfully at those words. and it exploded in a way that i lost the clear memory of how he came to that sentence. he was talking about detachment from art, from sophisticated thinking and from profound creativity. and he said that that detachment leads to nothingness which is autism. i... i'm still sort of speechless. i don't know what he thinks autism is, but i can be sure he has never read anything about autism from a factual and medical point of view. autism is a neurotype. you can't "achieve" autism by your actions and decisions. it is the way your brain functions from day one. and i felt so disgusting, so dirty, so shameful when i realized i enjoyed the rest of the lecture. i still feel that way. i feel gross all over. i blame myself for allowing myself to enjoy the rest of the lecture. i feel like i'm ignoring the pain those statements caused me. i feel like i'm letting him portray these disgusting opinions in public. i feel so guilty for something i didn't even say. i hate myself for freezing, i hate myself for the pain i inflicted on myself due to his words, i hate myself for enjoying in the lecture, i hate myself for participating in the lecture. i hate myself. and, in the words of sibyl that i read today: i want to die.