seen it all before // 10th spam

feels like heaven

i'm trying to like stop and realize when i'm doing something wrong. i do this with a mindset that says i want to fix this. but i never know how to fix it.

situation:
i offend my sister because i lack commentary about something that means to her (i don't care if she wants to deny this, i am aware of it). at the same time, i am distanced and not spending my time with her. so i put down my phone. i don't look at it for a little over twenty minutes. i wait for her to do whatever she wants with me. nothing happens. she leaves. thus we conclude, my "strategy" failed. but now i'm left with a headache because i genuinely don't know what i should've done.

i write this here because i want to clear my head. i know no one will want to help me, especially not anyone who reads this. why should you help me? what did i deserve to receive your help? nothing. that's why i want you to know that i don't expect help. sometimes, i actually feel like there's no help anywhere. but writing here eases the headache, so i guess that helps in a way. it doesn't solve my problem though.

as a sister and an older sister, i've always had the problem of failing to entertain my younger sibling or to spend quality time with her at all. it's always started by her and she keeps the atmosphere right. i'm either the tag-along or the person who fucks everything up. but i never initiate anything because i don't know how to do it. i don't know how to say "oh, let's do this!" or "i'd really love to do this with you now!". no, i just wait for her suggestions. after she makes a suggestion, i either tag along and do it or i fuck it up and ruin something she wanted to do with me. i know she cherishes the time she spends with me, but i don't know how to provide that time.

i'm actually pretty sure that i'd never do anything without my sister. i feel like i'd just sit somewhere and stare at nothing in complete silence. i'd stop checking my phone after a few days. i'd get annoyed by music. i'd lock myself in a room and i'd never get out. i would do nothing at all. and i know this is true because i often wish my life was like this.

but my sister initiates many wonderful and social things for the two of us, from conversations to walks to games and many other things.

what i'm trying to say is that i wish i could initiate something and i wish i could come up with something. i wish i could make things right rather than fuck them up.