seen it all before // 10th spam

이렇게 혼자 노래 불러

i'm on the verge of giving up on this battle against self-harm. i just don't see the point anymore. i don't see the point in keeping myself or my body safe. i don't feel the need to be alright. a few times a day, i'll see my sister or bts and i'll be happy. but the rest is just not worth it. no... it's just not something i want. i take in those happy moments and then the rest is filled with moments in which i really don't care wether i'll be happy or on the verge of tears. i genuinely don't care. i stopped caring about my well being. today, i could feel pain in my ribs. what did i do? i lied down on the hard floor and pressed my ribs against it. i was pressing my ribs into worse pain like that for a while. my eyes were closed due to the excruciating feeling and i could feel the burning of the tears on my lids. my limbs were lightly shaking, but i didn't want to stop feeling the pain in my ribs. and i continued to press them against the floor until my sister recommended i go get dinner from the kitchen. but that's just one moment. do y'all think i'm stupid? i can see it when something's wrong with me. i can feel it when something's wrong in my heart or head. but i don't feel any need to get rid of the pain. most of the times some random pain hits me, i'll stay silent because i don't care about getting better. i have a line that i say if someone asks if i'm in pain. i just say my head hurts a little bit. who fucking knows if i'm lying? i know. i'm always lying about that. the only times my head truthfully hurts are when i'm grabbing it and scrunching my face. other than that... i'm lying and there's something much worse that hurts inside of me. what? why would i tell you? if i don't care, why should anyone else? why does it even matter? i've learned that everything i stayed silent about stopped hurting at some point. sometimes it took hours, sometimes days. but it went away. why should i mention something i don't care about? i don't give a fuck about being in pain. i'm only annoyed by those striking feelings when i can't take the pain. when it gets to much and i have to ask for help. when the pain crosses all borders. those are some serious idiotic moments. i hate having to give attention or receive attention for my pain. because it's stupid. i hate it. sometimes i just want to stay silent for the whole day and spend the evening slamming my head against the wall repeatedly. just because. because i don't care about my days anymore. i had so many plans and dreams. they all seem meaningless now. maybe i'm growing up. maybe i'm just becoming weaker.