seen it all before // 10th spam

"less is bad, more is good"

i wrote several suicide notes in my life time. one of them was written today. i have destroyed or deleted every single one of them within a day of it being written. in that same fashion, i deleted today's. usually, my suicides notes were rather certain and filled with pleads that no one forgets me. i always wanted to be remembered. but today... today i was unsure of my words. i was shaky and jumping from topic to topic. but mostly, i was begging to be forgotten. i was begging that people imagine me as a bad person. i was hoping everyone would forget me. suicide notes usually contain goodbyes or explanations. most people are going to be curious about the "why" anyway. mine never have reasons. every time i've felt like i want to kill myself, i felt that way because i'm selfish. if you know me, stop reading right now and think about it. is there any valid reason for me to kill myself or even want to kill myself? you're right - there isn't. i don't even have a valid reason for myself. i get angry at myself for being sad. literally, how dare i be so arrogant and disgusting that i decide to be sad? i hate myself for every tear that i've ever shed and i hate myself for any negative feeling i've ever felt. because they're disgusting. because there's no reason for their existence. who am i to be sad? to feel scared? there are so many people out there not only having it worse, but actually feeling these painful feelings for reasons. unlike me. i can just conclude that i'm a disgusting person. because i can't explain these feelings to me. and because i personally lack explanation, i conclude that i'm a bad person who deserves absolutely nothing and who is nothing but selfish. i don't know i want to be remembered or forgotten anymore. my disgusting side wants me to be remembered. but the tiniest part of me that has any good in it wants me to be forgotten. it wants to erase the memory of how disgusting i was when i was alive. it wants to save me, in a way. i'm just waiting for the day when my suicide note will stay alive rather than getting destroyed. the day when my suicide note and i will switch places. i don't feel like it'll come soon. i think i don't want it to be soon. but who am i to say? who am i to think? who am i to decide? who am i to live?