seen it all before // 10th spam

a coping mechanism (that i already told you about)

there are a lot of things on this profile worth being ashamed of. and i'm not gonna say that i'm not. from my writing style, to the themes i chose to write about in my books, to the absolute tragedy that every romantic scene i've ever written is, to the smut i've written, to the childish chapters in spam books i've posted, to the idiotic comments i've left on other people's books...

i could honestly sit down and talk about my history on wattpad for a very long time, mainly "roasting" myself in the process.

if there's one thing i'm confident in, it's my writing. it really sucks to know that this account actually isn't a good representation of it. there are a few great things i've posted on wattpad, stories or spam book entires i'm genuinely proud of, but those are almost never seen.

for starters, i should've never been a ship writer. i can write romance, but so rarely. i don't understand emotions in real life either which is why it's very difficult for me to write about emotions, most specifically about love (which i understand the least). but that was the only thing people were going to read. i still believe that many of my books would've made great pieces had i not written a ship into each and every one of them. think about 'child', for example - joshler happened all of a sudden, in an odd part of the book and meant close to nothing for the plot. i literally sat down to write a new chapter and remembered "damn, this is a joshler fic, it should have some joshler in it"... i actually never should've shipped real people to begin with. as someone who aims to become a singer some day, i can't even imagine how i'd feel having to look at someone i've written smut about at an award show or red carpet... literally what drove me to do that??? attention seeking? i am a big attention seeker, i'll admit that. and at the time that i was writing joshler, the ship was really thriving on wattpad and people really wanted smut. i was just following the trends that were making authors into 'big authors' at the time. and it worked. i don't consider myself a 'big author' and i never have, but it's undeniable that i had a lot of readers. another issue with my books is that they were so obviously written by someone whose first language isn't english and that's just a small thing that bothers me, but at least you can kinda see my english-learning journey thru my books haha

regarding the comments i'd leave on other people's books... ah... i don't even know if i wanna get into that... i was often too dramatic about everything. and for some reason i loved oversharing, but at least that gave me my best friend.

and the spam books... well, they were spam books in the beginning. i'd post anything that was on my mind at that moment and sometimes it was the most random and meaningless things in the world (eg. the chapter were i just wrote NANANANANANANANANA a crazy amount of times). my spam books evolved into diaries and i refer to them as such when mentioning them in real life conversations. they've grown 'darker' and more personal. i stopped using them for "any thought" and started using them only for some more special thoughts. i actually use my spam account on instagram to write about any thought i get now.

the thing i am most ashamed of regarding the history of my wattpad account is the amount of controversial themes i've chosen to write about... i literally have two books that include incest because i believed that you need to be related by blood for it to be incest... now that i know better, i regret writing those books so much. i have two books that include a relationship between a teenager and an adult... there are more problems about my books, but the three books i'm referring to with these two examples ('daddy', 'cemetery drive' and 'myth') are the worst... honestly, 'myth' could've worked perfectly fine without a ship. i just included it bc i knew no one (at the time) would've clicked on it if it didn't have a ship in its title. and the same logic applies to almost every single one of my books...

ah, i have many regrets and i actually wanna unpublish so many things on this profile... but, just like i said in my apology for 'daddy', i hate acting like my mistakes never happened and hiding them. boo at me, throw your tomatoes at me - i am ashamed. but those works will stay up. to show you what i'm ashamed of. i hope at least my current thoughts can prove to you that i've grown and/or matured.