seen it all before // 10th spam

killing children for shit and giggles

i'm fucking shaking right now. i sent a random cool tiktok to my family's groupchat. mama was sitting almost right next to me. she said through a chuckle "ah, this is just perfect for you". the problem is that the video can be "weakly" linked to the way i self-harm and having relapsed last month i just can't stop shaking because i hate how they've always been treating my self-harm problem like a fucking joke and it fucking hurts. she sent a message to the groupchat with more context as to what she meant by saying it's perfect for me and thus i found out she didn't connect it to self-harm, but to something else about me. something harmless. i'm just shaking bc of the initial conclusion i'd made. obviously, i'm not blaming mama for anything bc she obviously didn't mean to mention self-harm but something completely different and it's my fault for thinking differently. it's just been so fucking difficult lately and it's physically draining...