seen it all before // 10th spam

don't strees your mind, you'll get married

december 20th was the unofficial last day of the semester. second class was music class. the teacher played the piano and she only played christmas songs. i was the only one to sing along. she was very impressed and started complimenting my classmates who study opera singing in music school, saying she could really hear their trained opera singing. my class laughed because those classmates were silent while i was still the only one singing. near the end, i was exhausted because i was sitting in an irregular singing position and i messed up two notes which caused my class to laugh at me, not to mention how they'd been making fun of my singing the entire time anyway. next class was croatian class. the teacher asked my opera-learning classmates to sing for the class. they were incredibly shy, hesitant and finally silent. they didn't want to sing in front of the class. i started to get very sick. or, well... not exactly sick. i asked the teacher to let me wash my face, using "sickness" as an excuse. in the restroom, i stood next to a wall and started to cry. the teacher sent a classmate (with whom i sit in all classes) after me to check on me. i told her why i was crying. it was because i have spent the past five years of my life doing nothing other than singing - yet when singing is mentioned, i'm not even in the top three first thoughts. i told her how this school is fucking up my life, because it was different before. before, everyone knew i could sing. now, barely anyone knows. barely anyone cares. i sing better than my classmates who go to music school, yet no one cares. in the end, what truly most upset me was the very fact that the only one thing i can do is something i cannot do. how? at the moment, the most noticeable point was the fact the class had eventually started to sing as a choir. a choir which i knew i couldn't join. why? because my voice is too strong. i can't sing with the group because i'll always stand out and everyone will hate me for it. the only thing i know how to properly do is singing. that's the only thing i can do.

but now, i can't even do that.