seen it all before // 10th spam

you could've just said 'no'

today, i saw a tweet that said something like this "am i the only person who realizes i'm in this bangtan sonyeondan shit for life in the most random moments"

today, one of my sister's classmates sent her a message to thank her for getting her into bts and that they're making her the happiest she's ever been. this sent me to tears two times and it did the same for my sister.

today, jungkook posted a cover of lauv's song. i was watching that cover and i had rivers of tears streaming down my cheeks. i started to sob. i remembered how much they mean to me and how happy they make me. how truly happy they actually make me. the seven of them. my beautiful boys, my beautiful men.

i feel like i haven't been very vocal about it, but these past few weeks have been really hard for me in many ways.

school has been a wreck. i keep telling myself that everything's okay and that i have everything under control because i don't want to admit that it's a mess. and it scares me.

my skin has been a disaster. it hurts, it burns, it stings. there are scars and rashes all over me. my legs, my stomach, my arms, my hands, my fingers, my neck, my face. i've already told you that i've been hiding to escape my family's questions. well, that list makes it pretty obvious that it's become impossible to hide. my parents sat me down. my mother held me and i silently cried. i could see it in my father's eyes that he doesn't trust me. i could hear it in his words. he thinks i'm doing this to myself again. he thinks i'm hurting myself again. they both think i'm not taking care of myself while i actually spend every evening trying my best to cover every spot with cream. and i do that in tears because i don't even see a difference and no one around me believes that i'm trying. the fact that my tears are painful to my skin only makes things worse.

i feel like i don't know who nor what i am anymore. i was so ashamed of my existence that i couldn't even look my mother in the eyes this morning. she was saying nice things, she was happy. but i was just stuck in my head thinking "why am i here" and "i want to die".

i'm beyond grateful to bts for being able to distract me from those dark parts of my mind with such ease. i'm grateful to them because they give me genuine happiness. i'm grateful to them because they make me want to continue living this life which i've been considering pointless for a while now. i'm grateful to them for loving me.