seen it all before // 10th spam

howl (chorus)

my sister, a former shooter and i were the judges to croatia's champion in rifle shooting for deaf people. i just feel like i haven't worked hard enough and i feel like i was annoying everyone there. and i felt so horrible because i had to write a zero on the target of a man that i actually know because my dad is his coach. i still feel horrible for doing it. it happened in the finals. he was the first to be eliminated from the finals because of that. i still feel so bad. i can't stop thinking about how he repeated tried mumbling out "i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry" while i was writing the zero onto his target. and i felt so angry when my dad let a different man's mistake pass and told me not to mark his shot as a zero. two weeks ago, a musician who i was gonna perform with as a part of the choir decided he won't be arriving to the concert because his mother died. my dad's response to that was "ugh he's so stupid, everyone dies, why is he making such a big fuss". but now, this competitor whom i had to let pass with his mistake had a bad event in his family where his mother died a week before the competition, but this time my dad felt horrible for him. i just have so many bad feelings because of the competition and i really wish i would've been better as a judge.

but, then again, this is my very first time judging :')