seen it all before // 10th spam

네 모든 걸 알아~ (잊지 마!)

the way i was on the verge of jumping in front of a car today + the way i was on the verge of turning the wheel in order to cause a car accident today = they were so cute!!

no, but honestly... what's the point? at this point, i'm just trying to keep things okay with people for the sake of it being "normal". like can't you notice that i genuinely try to rekindle with you after every fuss even though a few years from now i won't see you ever again? i won't call, i won't mention you, i probably won't even think about you. i'm not even asking you to appreciate my efforts (lol it's funny to even call them efforts. i'm just a piece of shit, i'm not trying to achieve anything with anyone). i'm just asking you to stop and think whether or not any of our interactions are worth it.

omg and you know what's the funniest part? when i do lose you and when i lose everyone like i know i will, i'll be lost and alone. everything rude or senseless i ever said will come back to slam into my head and i'll die soon enough. just when i get to "what i think is right" aka a world where it's just me, i'll die. right away. because i'm so fucking stupid, it's actually funny. lmao imagine me being able to survive a day on my own. some day, i'll need you so much, i'll need help. but at that point, it'll be over. i'll've lost you forever and there will be no one to help me. i'll be left alone to rot like i deserve to end up.

hopefully you'll smile in satisfaction because you always told me i'll regret all the bullshit i say and do. ah, finally i'll be regretful like you said i'd be. i'll cry and i'll become desperate. despite the stubbornness that holds me right now and that pretends like i'm the strongest person alive. finally, you'll have the opportunity to laugh, point your finger and say "i was right!" (feel free to spit at me and kick me when that moment comes, you know i deserve that).

i say these things - that i'll distance myself from everyone, that i'll lose touch with everyone, that i don't even feel for people that much - because that's whatever my heart and mind are deciding to feel right now. whenever i say these things, you tell me that i'm stupid, that i don't know what i'm saying, that i'll regret it some day. i won't say it, but deep down i agree with you. i know my downfall will happen and i know it'll happen soon. what? there's a year of high school left ahead of me, a few years of college (which will realistically be the beginning of my separation because i probably won't be able to live with my family anymore - according to my dad) and then i'm off. i'll be out in the world, alone like i'd imagined it. and as soon as it happens and i feel satisfied with where i am, i'll die. because no matter how happy, i'm too stupid to live on my own. i must rely on someone and i can't do anything on my own.

let's be real, i'm struggling to live a proper life now when i'm inside a family and living off other people's efforts.

please write "congratulations" on my casket so everyone who comes to my funeral can get a cheer from me! i wanna congratulate everyone who told me i can't live "like this" "like that". it would be a soft way to tell them "i was wrong. you were right. i should've listened to you. i regret everything. congratulations"