seen it all before // 10th spam

심장하고 싶어

some odd thoughts have been going through my head lately. they say things such as "i don't love my parents", "i don't love my grandparents", "i don't love bts", "i don't love one direction"... that type of thing, just different people in each sentence. my sister doesn't appear in these thoughts. but these thoughts also appear in the form of "i don't care about [insert person/people here]". my sister appear in those sometimes. i don't feel like i've become an egocentric person. i don't feel like i've become a heartless person. i don't feel like i've become a selfish person. i feel like i've always been all three. i always put my needs before the needs or cares of others. however, i rarely praise myself in those or any other occasions. yes, i have been saying that i love myself and that i am beautiful for a long time now. but that's not what i'm talking about now. i'm talking about how i'll push everyone away and i'll offend those closest to me, just to get something i don't even think i deserve. i'm talking about how i tend to sit down and stare at a wall for an hour, just thinking about how many things i'm losing by not spending that time properly. i hate compliments. mostly because people never know what the person they're complimenting is actually like beneath the outer image. i hate it when my parents call me 'smart'. well, at least they correct themselves with a sea of disappointment they drown me in as soon as i get a grade they're not particularly fond of. but seeing other people - who aren't going to 'correct' themselves - complimenting me can actually lead me into fits of laughter. anyone who thinks they know me very well can say that i treat people close to me rather badly. because sometimes i'll simply say quiet while you're trying to talk to me, maybe i won't even acknowledge your presence. sometimes i'll be brutally honest and i'll even take that honesty into negative exaggeration. am i simply bad with people? maybe. maybe i'm just a very shitty person. maybe i'm just a person that wasn't meant to be around other people. and i really want to punish myself for this kind of behavior. i don't listen and i don't show compassion. i don't show love to my 'loved ones'. if i can't do that, do i really love them? i am a disappointment in many ways. starting from simply abandoning plans or hangouts and leading all the way to completely ignoring someone's pain. sometimes, after actually displaying emotions towards some people, a question pops up in the back of my head. it says "was that an act?". and i don't know how to answer it. and i'll spend days just trying to figure out the answer to that question. and the back of my head will convince me that it was all an act. and i'll go with that. my final answer will be "yes". at this point, the back of my head has convinced me that i've acted something out so many times that... i don't know who i am. i don't know what i like or love. i don't know if any of the goals i've set for myself are real. what if they're an act too? the pain this makes me go through is horrifying. i can't even begin to describe it. sometimes, i'll frown and cry just because of the pain in the back of my head. just because i'm trying to answer a question that i asked myself. my mother recently told me she's been noticing some things about me and she believes that i have a big problem; she said she doesn't know what it is, but she wishes she could know. i laughed the conversation off. she added that she thinks i should talk to someone; a professional. she said i need to tell someone what's bothering me. i laughed it off again and said "there's nothing bothering me at all, what would i be telling them?". she just sat there with a sad face. since that rather recent conversation, i've had a very difficult question repeating in the back of my head. it says "what's bothering you?". and even when i begin to think of an answer, i drop it because the back of my head makes me feel like an attention seeker. i never want to seem like an attention seeker. another occurrence where i feel like i've found an answer to the question is when i start feeling like a complainer. like someone who whines about their problems instead of dealing with them. and that disgusts me. it makes me feel like i'm a healthy person in a hospital, trying to cut through the line of people that are dying on the spot. but there are some moments when i break out from those thoughts. i have small memories of those moments. my only memories of them are tears, sobs and continuous pain. but that's just me being way too much, isn't it? lately, the things that usually make me cry haven't been making me cry. rather than a fan of some artists, i started feeling like a blind follower. some sort of a person who's only joining the party because there's other people there. there are moments when i desperately want something, only to have a thought run through the back of my head saying "you don't need it"; no matter what i want. this could be a clothing item, a cute decoration, a grade, a feeling. anything. and i'll just walk away from it. sometimes people give me an opportunity to fix a mistake. and i'm hurting so hard on the inside, but i'm cold on the outside and opposing my own wishes to actually fix the problem. thus i just stay there, inanimate. i cuss a lot lately. i snap at anyone and just cuss. this turns into voiced regret very often. but this is where the "what's been said's been said" rule applies. it's over. i'm not someone who can fix problems, especially my own. i've made so many plans in the last few months, only to give up on them less than 24 hours after they'd been made. some people love reminding me of the old me; the longhaired girl with the best grades in her generation. this is one of the most painful things i hear. because when i say "i miss someone", i mean myself. i miss my old self. i miss thinking about facts rather than emotions or people or myself. i miss walking to school without a care in the world. there have been a few times when i made the decision to bring that girl back to life. but i give up very fast. it almost feels as if i dream of bringing someone back from the dead, but even digging out the body is difficult. i don't respect people around me anymore. this is something i hate a lot. because in my heart, i want to respect them. but in my mind, i couldn't care at all. i can't believe that writing this has brought me to tears. my dreams are nightmares. at least lately. they're constant scenes of death, mostly suicide. often throughout my day, i have a question in the back of my head saying "do you remember your dream?". and that's how i'm constantly reminded of those horrible scenes. i'm already starting to regret writing any of this, but i won't delete it. the words in the back of my head right now are "you're just putting the blame on something else again". that's probably true. instead of standing up and admitting my mistakes, i'm writing this whiny chapter for a spam book barely anyone reads. maybe that's for the best. my only wishes are to find out which parts of me are acts and what's real. i want to know where is the real part. maybe i even want to get to know the real part. i wonder if i've ever been real. or if i've always been a self centered bitch. i want to be able to know why i put on all these acts. what are they for? why do i do the things i do? who am i? do i have real feelings? do my dreams have meaning? why are my thoughts so negative? i have so many questions already and i'm only stacking up new ones now. thinking about the answers to all of them will hurt me, but don't i deserve it? i wish i could apologize to everyone close to me for being the way i am. but at the end of the day, nothing i say matters... to me.