seen it all before // 10th spam

a blank spot in the universe

please, i beg of you, don't read this. i am going to write something that i'm against being written, but i'm sitting here and crying my heart out - i'd rather let my thoughts out in the form of words. do me a favor and spare me the pain, don't read this. this is my diary and i know it's public, but skip this one chapter for me.

today marks jonghyun's 30th birthday. i wasn't going to overthink it, i just wanted to have a warm thought of him throughout the day. i feel like that's the fairest option. i'm listening to mots:7 right now and just opened twitter for a moment while i'm waiting for my classmate's reply about our assignment. i came across a shawol's tweet. it was a warm and positive tweet, warning people about what they shouldn't mention on jonghyun's birthday. shawols always try to make everything about jonghyun as bright as possible because he is their light and he has the most beautiful smile in the world. he is a source of hope and remedy. the tweet was so nice and heartwarming, reminding of what a beautiful person jonghyun is and how we shouldn't mention bad things on this day. i respect this shawol a lot for writing such a caring and considerate tweet. but just as i was reading it, taehyung's "inner child" came on. and i couldn't not cry at the lyrics of a man singing to himself as a boy and telling him how proud he is of how far they've come, of how much they've achieved no matter the hardships. i was reading about the kindest lost soul and listening to this song. five songs have gone by and i could barely hear them because i've been crying. i'm trying to write this to let my thoughts out. and i agree with the shawol; i won't write lies - i won't say i cry about him every day because i don't, i won't pretend to be a dedicated shawol because i'm not. i'll just admit that i've shed way too many tears now. i'll just admit that i wish he was still here; for all of his shawols, for his members and for the world. i won't say we miss him because he made his place in so many people's hearts and he's never gonna leave.

종현이, 우리는 널 너무 사랑해요.
너는 우리의 천사야.
난 지금 울음을 그만했어.
다 괜찮아요 ✨