seen it all before // 10th spam

your moment of discomfort ≠ the reason why i tried killing myself

you can say this is the tiniest thing and i'm making too big of a deal out of it - but it is a big deal to me. we were talking about how many times each of us washed their hair in the eight days we've spent on our vacation so far. i said i'd washed my hair eight times. my father shook his hair in disappointment and i wouldn't be surprised to know mama thought the same way (her face wasn't easy to read). i can't believe that they know how much seawater hurts my skin and how important it is to rinse my skin (especially my scalp) with normal water in order for my skin to be alright. instead of being glad that i'm actually taking fucking care of myself and my health, they're disappointed. it reminds me of how i'd requested a certain hairstyle a year or two ago (there's probably a spam book entry about this event) in order to keep myself healthy and mentally stable, but mama said it would make me look ugly and when i asked her if she really values my looks over my health, she said 'yes'. it also reminds me of the time my sister kept letting them know she was having an incredibly difficult time breathing due to her asthma, but they driving without batting an eyelash.

the list can go on. no matter all the wonderful things they've provided us, sometimes all these times when they ignored our health concerns keep coming back to me and i can't believe i still haven't given up all the way.