seen it all before // 10th spam

[didaskalije]: *u svemiru*

2020년 08월 01일 오후 4:47

it's been a long time since i learned what the words "i am cold" truly meant. i fear them. i do my best to avoid them. then why do i keep running into them? i'm cold right now. i'm cold today. i want warmth back. my breath is frozen even though i'm inside and well dressed. my eyes are dry and my lips are chapped. i've got goosebumps all over and my fingers are twitching.

it's been a while since i've cried listening to "spring day". now, that song gives me so much warmth, hope and comfort. i helps me get over the freezing swirling storm inside of my lungs.

running to warmth is a human instinct. some warmths are so distant. i try to reach them with my words, but it's not the same as getting to hold them, getting to hug them. i try to follow them, sometimes blindly, hoping their radiating warmth will reach me someday.

i love watching people who swim. wether through oceans or deserts. i just want to be like them. i look up to them. they're my firewood. and i want to be like them someday. i, too, want to torture myself for others' warmth, even if it won't be enough sometimes. i want to turn my pain into warmth and i want to serve others.

i want this inner winter to leave. i want it to burn with love and happiness. i want all of my hopes to gather and melt the ice, to light a fire and to smile at the flames. i want to help them.

why do i feel like i'm constantly trying, but never succeeding? why do i feel like my powers are being put to waste? does it mean i don't know how to use them? does that mean i'm the one making all these mistakes? am i putting myself through these things? am i putting the temperature down?

why am i doing this to myself?