seen it all before // 10th spam

태형의, 나의 사랑한 남자.

in less than two hours, i'll be considered an adult. i spent the last day before this big event the same way i've been spending these past eighteen years. i've been making everyone around me feel miserable and unhappy.

everyone keeps telling me this isn't a big thing. but it always was. it was always a day i was so excited about. then why do i feel like running away now? why am i getting scared? why do i wish that no words would be exchanged with me from now on? why do i want to stop this life before i step into its adult stage?

i want to make a big change. i want there to be a difference. i want this midnight to strike me like a lightning. i was to feel new. i want to stop making mistakes and doing things i'll regret. i want to be better. i want to be stronger.

but what if everyone's right? what if this midnight will pass like nothing but a breeze, like every other midnight? what if nothing will change? nothing at all?

i'm so afraid. and deep down i know there's other people who expect me to change too, despite their claims of this being "not a big deal". i know "you're eighteen years old" will be an argument i'll get to hear a lot.

but i don't want to hear it. i don't want to cry the way i'm crying right now. i don't want to get into arguments. i want to become careful.

i have hope. i believe in myself.

we gon' change.