seen it all before // 10th spam

louder than bombs, i break

i need to come clean about something.

trigger warning: blood

for over a month now, i've been insisting on undressing completely privately, not even sharing sports' dressing rooms with other people. my family questioned me a lot about my behavior, but i've kept quiet. i want to confess what the "fuss" has been about. and actually still is.

i woke up with odd and upsetting scars all over my wrists and arms. seeing this, i had to hide it. the first thought in my mind was "if a family member sees this, they'll accuse me of self-harm. i didn't do this to myself. i don't know what this is. it's not my fault". it felt like it'd be the best if they don't know. thus, for over a month now, i've only been pulling up my sleeves in the dark or in private. every night, i make sure to apply cream. and it's actually been helpful. my skin has become softer... however, it seems like it's become even more sensitive. whenever i wear a new shirt, a freshly cleaned shirt - it becomes itchy and i get an odd bloody rash all over my arms and hands (even fingers). i'm trying my best to keep it under control, but it seems like it's just getting worse. today, i entered the bathroom, took my shirt off and discovered two bleeding scars on my right arm and a bigger bloody rash on my left arm. it made me cry. the scars really stung to put cream over. it really upset me because this can't heal within two days and i'm gonna wear a dress on my birthday so my arms will probably be shown. i'm really considering wearing something with sleeves over my dress, but it feels like a pity...

i don't know why i decided to talk about this right now, but i just wanted to be honest about this that has been bothering me for over a month.

and to my family, i was only hiding because i wanted to deal with this problem on my own and without any assumptions that could possibly hurt me. i'm doing my best to keep this under control and have honestly been applying cream all this time. i'm trying so hard.