30 Year Old Lady Daily Life

Part 3

"You are being weak cause he betrayed you? Nonsense. Its better if you never being in love with men like him"

That word take over my head. I ever said that to my friend when I am still in high school 12 years ago when his boyfriend betrayed her and go to other girls.

"Be strong. Its just small problem. Its just love, stupid thing. He leave you suddenly like that, it's mean he just stupid men. Don't cry for men like that. You must get up from your depression and just start your day again. Crying for stupid thing like that just pityfull. You must back to your original self. Cheer full and talkative. Being depressed and just lay down for almost one week for heart broken? Come on, girls. Don't be stupid like that"

And this is word I am saying when Misaki get ghosting from his boyfriend for at least 3 weeks after dating. That time she is 25, if I am not wrong. He is men who Misaki wanna married for the first time in her life. Made her depressed almost one month and non stop crying whenever I ask her condition. Amazing. I am soo strong, Misaki said. Misaki said I am just full of bullshit when come to advice for heartbroken people. And I will said to her. Its nonsense being stupid for love. That time I am already 27 and still longing for my first love. I had power to said that. Just soo amazing.

And now here I am. After finally send message "goodbye" for my first love, here I am. In bed, everytime I see that message again, I will crying. Just a little. And I still lay down, don't know what to do or don't have motivation to move.

"Why don't call Misaki and tell her your condition?"

If you ask like that, then my reason is I don't wanna being teased. Haha. I am already harassed her when she in same condition with me. How can I said I am heartbroken for let go my first love? She must be overjoyed with that. And worst case, she must be laughing hardly.

But yeah, this is heartbroken in my version. Let go that fantasy for almost 11 years. My heart just torn into pieces. Shattered by knives.

I don't have appetite, my favorite drink become bland. I even can't finish my shoujo manga I read before. I can't click next button for my favorite manga. I even hate it when comes to shoujo, romance, smut and etc genre. I can't even finish my ex dating reality show for last episode. I am annoyed. Ah, I watch first love dating show too and I can't even finish one episode.

But I think after some day, I finally had bit power to continued my shoujo manga which can't be finished last time. I read it. Again and again until finally I finish my last chapter. That series completed. My feeling? Bland.

Don't hate it but don't like it very much too like before. I even ask for many thing when read it. Usually, I will imagine many scene after read it, even made replication for special action which made my heart beats.

But now, that imagination just vanished. I can't wake up my romance cell in my brain. What is it being in love again? I ask this many times. Its like my trace for love just erased and I can't even think this genre that sooo good. Love being so vague and I can't even think that interesting. I even can't imagine smut scene!!!Ok, just forget that. Its not good attitude as human.

I consulted this feeling with my friend from same telegram community for dating show. They made this group for reality show gossip and I join cause I wanna talk about show I watched.

When I tell them, I let go my first love, they just cheer me up and said my pain will vanished. Time will heal me. Its bring me tears to be honest but actually what I wanna hear is why for my case it's more like I can't feel anything now. Romance just something annoyed for me. Its like weight me down. But they just think I am in my mental down right now. Yeah, but I appreciate their support, but yeah I am still confused with this random mood.

"Bed just perfect for heartbroken"

I just roll in my bed. Right and left. I still remember that flowery feeling when I am still in high school. But now, I am being confused if that feeling real or not. I even had its blurry right now for that beautifull memory. He is not like what I imagined and automatically my memory about him being soo gentle and etc just my imagination. I made him soo good but actually maybe he is not.

I don't know anymore. This is love or not. But surprisingly, it's not end in that state. Just some day after that, I got diarrhea and gastritis. I go to the doctor, and diagnosed gastritis and had problem with urethra infection. I vomit and get headache too. I am weak. Eventough I still go to office, I just can survive for half day and go home for rest.

Its soo sick which made me scream for it. And I think one week after that, I got flu and high fever together with cold sweats. Had headache and feeling limp over my body. Double perfect.

So, my word to my friends in the past just haunt me. Being in their shoes right now made me understand every people had their weakness. Ah, I embarrassed with my self. I am not even in relationship with him. Not even once in my life. Not really had "close friend" title with him. Maybe it's just me who still had memory about that butterfly feeling I got when I am still in high school. Its just me. I just got histeria with it. Had high expectation about him, made him perfect in my head. Soo funny but yeah for now I think I am just soo tragic.

Feeling like a dumb, I read my text again. I am soo stupid. But yeah, it's better like this. He know and I can let him go now. But what made me frustrated is that romance cell in my body before just vanished together with my "goodbye" to him. He take that too from me. And here I am right now, open my browser in  my phone and read mathematics golden manga. Just suddenly, I miss my mathematics habit. Yeah, I am from math degree for my bachelor. And read that manga just made me remember how beautiful that time when I am trying solve problem. And read that manga made me search for International Mathematics Olympic problem and their solved video or blog about that.

Why I am being like this? He just don't let me cherish my butterflies memory I had, he take it with him. I am just soo pitifull right now. Even run for math problem when I am heartbroken. How miserable is that? When I think it's better made my self busy than search for his replacement. When I think let him go can be easy, here I am still laying in my bed. Crying...