30 Year Old Lady Daily Life

Part 66

"When did you start doing this?"I sighed when Suguru and I agreed to discuss about this. Although I feel weird talking this out with other people. My family doesn't even know this. There are time when I have a semester break, my mom or sister would ask me, but I will avoid them as I can. But now, Suguru isn't even my family and I need to tell him this matter as he said I wouldn't leave if I kept him wonder around, don't know anything in the end.

"Why do you need to know this?"I can hear his sigh really clear.

"I'm already saying that, right? Is that bother you that much?"I glance at him. Well, it's about my private things, so...

"I just want to know, Maika. We need to solve this and it's better if you can stop doing that"

"Did I need to do that?"I feel unsure. I'm already doing this to keep myself stable. Well, practically I don't even know why I need to do this. It's just become a habit.

"I want to know"Why do you want to know? I give him a helpless stare. Don't understand. But he keeps giving me a firm stare, not wavering by my response.

"Hhhh, ookaay"I look above, trying to remember.

"I did this from second semester from our first year? I don't really remember"He keeps staring at me. Wants me to keep talking.

"Don't know why I am suddenly doing this. But if we think logically, it's doesn't make sense"

"Not really. Some boys do smoke or even have sex outside the dorm. It's some form of unhealthy habits"

"Like mine?"He sighed and looked at me seriously.

"Practically yes. But about the damage, you only harm yourself. But they have the possibility to cause loss for other people too. Your reason, can I know it?"He seriously wants to know? I keep staring at him, making him do the same as me now.

"Why? You need a time to sort your mind to have good explanation?"I shakes my head. That's not the issue here.

"I am still don't understand why you need to do that"

"I am worried for your health, that's the first one. Like I am always saying, I am care for you"He's not lying. He doesn't need to do this actually. I am looking down after his words.

"You hate me to know?"

"Not really. Want me to continue?"He nodded. Why? It's not that interesting though, but his eyes are full with attention.

"How's my mind that time? Actually I ever did this at my middle high school too. At second year? I think it's as result my grade getting down. I did that intentionally, don't want to study. But in the end, that's put me under stress"

"You feel safe when you are in a stable condition?"I kept silent when he said that and thought. Stable? I face many difficulties too. So, I think that's not the case.

"It's not like I hate unstable condition. I just feel the need to -"I stopped. Why is it again? Did I want to say, I want always at the top? Why? I feel contradictory before I want to say that. Well, it's sound terrible as a human being to say that, isn't it? I gulped.

"You held your words cause you feel maybe I will judge it?"I am suddenly looking at Suguru. His face still calm makes me feel safe. Seems he got me. Did it show clearly?

"Maybe"I said that with a weak tone at the end.

"Hmm, it's understandable. It's normal if we have a lot of doubt to others. But I want to know you well, including your bad side. If I remember well, you never show that to me so visible, right?"I take a peek at him then looked down again. I can't believe others, that's my issue. But doesn't that normal for others too?

"How to say it, Suguru? My entire life is always calm and I don't need to feel a threat at all. I don't care with other human beings. Does that sound harsh?"I looked at him with little fear inside. Seems I still have shame about being labelled as a bad one by him. But he snickered a little by my word.

"In my perspective not. But maybe for others, that could be the case. So, how were you still in shape before now?"

"Study makes me calm. I said this doesn't prove me as a genius"

"Haha, don't worry. You still care I looked down on you, didn't you?"When he laughed that off, I just kept silent. I never care when other people do that to me. Seems Suguru means a lot? What to do? Since some days ago, I really made my mind to tell him to go. Didn't I am sure with it? Somehow, I feel blue.

"So?"I get surprised a bit. Seems I'm drown in my thoughts again.

"Maybe as I don't have the quality to make people stay. That's why I keep studying without worrying too much about my other weaknesses. Maybe that's why when I enter this place, I feel lost. I can't concentrate on keeping calm by studying as people will mock us. You know, at this place we need to keep stupid in order not to get teased"He nodded.

"I am trying to enjoy other things at this place, like friendship or gossip. But it seems I can't adapt well. I ended up being too sensitive. I - I mean, whatever they did, I feel hurt. That's when that habit gets developed. I need to get rid of the emotion inside me, to stop being a sensitive one. Weird things are I feel calm again after starting to study. But in order to keep my mind focused, I need to make myself"

"Numb?"I look at Suguru with widened eyes. I nodded weakly for it. He's right. I want not to feel anything by keeping down my breast or not taking a bath. Although it's not logically tested, but somehow it's working on me.

"I assume held down yours means you get rid of your feminity asset, does it feel like that? About a bath"He stopped, waiting for me to continue it. But honestly, I don't know too why I need to choose that habit. It's more sense if I smoke or even slicing my arms.

"It's just that two?"Suguru said that without showing a sign to embarrassed me. That's makes me comfortable to talk.

"Hm"I can hear him let out a big sigh.

"But you're okay when some of our friends mocked you now. Like saying about your breast is so flat"Well, I am often get that words. But maybe as I train my brain to feel numb by it, it's not a threat for me.

"I don't feel it's mockery at all. As long as I can study in a calm mindset. I want to escape from this place so bad. But like all of us know, it's hard. My parents asking why I did this and that, but doesn't want to grant my wish to get out of this place"

"You said it?"I froze when Suguru asked that.

"No. But maybe I don't want to make them disappointed on me. I feel like trapped. That's why I need to keep sane by doing this"

"Maika, how about taking your habit off?"Ugh, No. I feel offended by his words.

"That's not a solution for this"

"I will stay by your side, not leaving you. I promise. Want to try?"I don't know why, but Suguru's words make me comfortable.

"You're lying. You would leave me like other. Normally, my original personality makes people uncomfortable. I don't have a will to pay attention when it's doesn't interest me. I am bad when socializing, you know. You will feel bored and leaving me. Same with others too"I look away, it's so quiet now. Suguru doesn't talk for a few minutes after that. Maybe cause I give him a defensive answer.

"Other people can go, but I will stay. If I make you feels unsafe, feels free to tell me. You can shout at me too. I will still stay with you, I promise"He made me stunned. But how about my feelings towards Hirata?

"But you know I like other guys. Doesn't that bother you?"I can see he seems startled by it. See? It's hard on him too.

"Well, It's a lie if I don't bother with that at all. But I will try to endure it. How about both of us face it together and see how far we can go? I want to grow with you. I wouldn't leaving you. Please, start to live normally from now and let me help you to face the difficulty. About our ends, we will see later. How about it?"I get silent by it. This will be okay?

"I will think about it"He smiles at me. He's concerned about me rather than myself. I need to try to get out of this habit. I have him at least. I smiled back at him.