30 Year Old Lady Daily Life

Part 68

I get out of the bathroom. It's my first bath after several years not doing that. I take off the karate belt which holds down my breast too. It's felt weird despite of it's refreshing.

"How does it feel? It's fresh, isn't it?"I nodded when Siri asked me while welcoming me out of the bathroom. It's felt funny.

"But it feels weird"Siri just gets shut up when hearing it. Maybe she doesn't know what words to encourage me. Well, it's me who made this stupid act as I am feeling pressure here. But now, guilt comes to me when I look at my breast again.

"Congratulations, Maika. I think I can just say that? Well, I don't know it well although we talk many things about this"Both of us get silent. Somehow I felt grateful for her action towards me. If I didn't meet her or my room mate now, I wouldn't have the courage to change and would keep harming myself like this.

"You hate some of us, Maika? To make you harm yourselves like this"Both of us go to the room now. No one there, just two of us.

"Dunno. When I get off that thing of me, I'm still confused now. About how to process my feelings"Maybe all of this is still new to me. More than wanting to reflect, my fear is bigger than those feelings. I'm scared for being a weak after this. Maybe it's just my brain acting it up.

"Maika?"I look at Siri with bigger eyes as her voice surprised me.

"Sorry. I am - lost in my thoughts again"

"Seems it's like something big for you?"I sighed while looking down. I am nervous for what will happen in the future. I can't stop but worrying.

"I think, I have many 'what if' words wondering on my brain. I'm scared to be honest. But I know, I need to get rid of this habit"I let out a deep breath.

"Don't worry. Come to me if you need assistance. I would help you"I give Siri a smile for that. Hope everything will be okay from now on.

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I walked with Siri to the library and we separated as she wanted to check some equipment for our vocational exam. I left alone and chose to study at the library.

"Hey"

"HA!!"I close my eyes and hit someone with my hand at the back of me. But that person grip my hand instead.

"Uwaah, you forgot my voice?"I open my eyes and get Suguru in front of me now. Gosh, it's scared me!

"Why don't you call me normally? That's surprised me"I looked at him with anger. I can see he startled by it.

"Sorry. I had the intention to surprise you. Seems I overdo it"

"You are"I let out a little sigh.

"Want to sit inside and talk?"I nodded. This is right? I am always this friendly with him? Suddenly, I have many thoughts about what should happen between us. Do I seem cheap?

"Why did you stop there? Come in"He looks to me as cause I don't move from my place. I bit my lips then followed his lead. Both of us sitting down at the library cubicle now while he faces me. Realizing he's doing that, my eyes start to roam around. Worry if someone would talk about us.

"What's wrong?"Suguru's voice made me look at him.

"Ah, no. I just got nervous. This is what usually both of us do?"He seems startled by my words. What? It's strange? What if this is caused by what I did this afternoon? Take a bathe and -

"Not always. Many times you hesitate too"Ah. I let out a sigh. There is a relieved feeling coming to me. I still don't lose my old self.

"Siri text me about what happened this afternoon. You did it?"I nodded nervously and in response he smiled widely at me. Did he need to be happy like that? It's made me a little bit confused.

"Good job"

"Uhm"Well, I don't know how to react. After all, it's strange to discuss about bathing and my private area with him. He's a man. My eyes focus at another place again, avoiding his gaze.

"How is it?"Ugh. I bite my lips. He wants to know? I gulped.

"Uhm, that's refreshing"I glance at him and he seems taken aback by my response.

"Just that?"

"Hm, well. I'm still confused. Somehow, I feel lost and scared. This is right or not? What if I don't behave like my normal self? If I can be patient for 1 year, maybe -"My anxiety felt higher and higher. I can feel a headache coming to me. This is the effect too?

"Stop it! Calm down, Maika. Everything will be okay. You just need to start doing it and never come back to that habit again. I promise I will be at your side, got it?"I gulped when he says that while look at me firmly.

"I - I will try"He's nodded and let out a sigh. Suddenly, a thought about me being a burden for him, weighing my shoulders.

"I am like a burden, right?"My words made him look at me instantly.

"Why do you say it like that?"

"Nothing. I just don't really know my old self before doing this habit. I'm confused now as I feel like I can protect myself with my behaviour before. What should I do now? I am scared if I am being weak by let go off my guard"

"By taking a bath and let go off thing which keeps holding down your"I glare at Suguru and it made him not continue his word. I felt embarrassed already before he could even tell me the words. It's normal, right?

"Sorry. Seems I need to be careful now. Before, you didn't seem that defensive"I looked down. Feeling about I don't have anyone than him makes me nervous. If he finds me boring and doesn't fulfill his criteria as a good friend, what should I do? Like I predicted, no one like me if I am being like another normal girl. Maybe it's better if I keep harming my self and wait for another year until I graduate from this place. Keep puts a fake face to make my self safe and

"Maika?"

"Oh"I get tangled in my mind again.

"You're in your mind again. I call you several times"

"Sorry. My thought seems to be full now"He let out a breath again while seeing me.

"You nervous with your new self?"I just bite my lips. He's right, but it still feels uncomfortable.

"You see, it's seems a bad idea. I don't know how to act toward others now. They like my other side"

"It's okay. You don't have to push yourselves. Same with me too"I got frozen for the words. Really? But I'm boring.

"You would leave me, Suguru. It's boring just to be with me"Silence came between us. I looked down again.

"It's okay though. I choose stay on your side not for an euphoria"Both of us stare at each other.

"Are you sure?"He's nodded. Somehow, it's makes me calm.

"And I think we need new introduction. My name is Suguru, what's yours?"Heh? I get surprised, but Suguru just give me a bright smile. Made me warm.

I get why he needs to tell me this. I am nervous and still confused to even feeling sure about how I usually behave at this state. I feel everything like new and already scared to even think people would abandon me. Contrary to that, I don't want to be seen as a weak one. But what Suguru said was like a comfort for me. It's okay. Whatever your form or your personality, you change or not, you become weak or boring, it's okay for him. Realized that, I feel warm at my eyes.

"I'm Maika. Thank you for being here with me"He gives me a warm smile.

"Seems you get it now. I wouldn't leave you, Maika. Believe in me"I nodded and smiled. His words like an assurance for me. He accepts me and will always be like that.