30 Year Old Lady Daily Life

Part 8

When my second year of high school, I am awake with my condition. For sure I cant life without study, so I am study harder than before. I am trying hard fix my grade. Eventough I am never being the first, but still my grade level up. I am still sleep in the floor too with blanket as cover. It's cold, I got many bad health condition with that. Even now, I am often struggle with sleep in the floor. I am even will get sick if just once sleep in that.

But sad things is I am more hard with my self. I am training my self to just believe in my self alone, not disturbed with people who don't choose me as their friends. Just focus in study. Not look at other aspect. That's mean like it or not, I must dealing with loneliness. Eventough I am aware with it, I need to think "I am okay". This is really destructive mind.

Idea to made me feeling numb is made my self as strong as possible. I hate fact I am women, cause it's mean I am more sensitive than others. I don't like that idea. So, that time I need to made change. With what? I hide my breast. Made it flat. Cause when I am looking at it, I am really super annoyed with fact I am women. I hide it with karate belt. Two karate belt. Yellow and white. I put it in my breast. After that I will put korset to made it tight. Wear short tight shirt to hide it more. So, its look like I don't have breast.

Even when I am going home and my mom get suspicious with that, I am lying and said I am already that flat. When I tell this fact to my family especially my mom and sister, they said I am crazy. It's good I am still healthy cause what I am doing in the past will made me got breast cancer.

If you ask, is it hurt? Yeah, of course. Then why? Cause I think I am better hide my feeling than show that breast. I am soo stupid. And one thing again. I am stopped take a bathe. I think I am taking a bathe maybe once every year or maybe not? Even when I got my first job, I am still get anxiety and stop take a bathe too. Maybe my delussion about everything will get better if I hide my breast and rarely take a bathe will save me from loneliness.

4+ years I am doing that. Hurt my self. Hate my self until harm my body. I hate fact that I am a women who is weak. That's why I am uncomfortable meet with friend from my high school era, this is one of the reason. They know "other person" whose not me. Not like I am down with that and thinking they will not like my self now. But still, they had that image, me harm my self. Until now, I am still scared face their mind about my personality which I wanna forget about it. Maybe I just wanna run from my sin cause I know my old self will hate me now for what I am doing to her.

Back to my second year high school. With that strong mind from before. I got good grade than before. Maybe cause I just focus on my study, I am not really care with people who came to me. They will befriend me or just used me. Surprisingly, I am in good relationship than before. We got junior too and we even share same room with them. Two junior and three is my peer. All of them is good. I am blessed with that. Eventough now we are not even call each other, I still had good impression about them. Remember boy who give me fake confession? Surprisingly, in my second year, I am really really close to him until phase he tell me all of his story include how he play with women and women whom he seduced. He got same name with my brother, so I had some place for him cause that.

But I am just like his trash. I think I am not really important to him. Cause I am just his listener, not popular and give him benefit after all. What I can do? I just had that trait. Even now, I think it's not real me. I got that trait in that time cause I harm my self. So, even now I am still scared meet with him too cause that. You know like you talk with person who actually not acknowledge "your real" self? What do you think? It's soo scared, right? Like they know other person who is not you.

Ah, I move to different class too from my first year. And for my room mate, I am really close with one of them from my peer. She is mommy girl, often crying. But people love her. She is honest and of course pretty too. She had boyfriend who always hurt her. You know for couple in our school, it's bit different. Its far from healthy relationship. Its more toxic. Like they not really match with each other but they cant leave each other too cause they need each other. So, cause that fact, they often hurt each other too. And this my close friend often crying and tell me her story. Once again after learning my lesson to stop give them advice, I just listener for her. But we close that time, even after we are in our 4th year there, she and me had close relationship. She often tell me her story, I am often used her as my shield, to made me not always seen as a loner eventough many boy in my peer hate me for that. Yeah, she is kind and pretty, who doesn't wanna being her boyfriend? When she always close with me, how can other boy have their chance talk face to face with her? I am being hated for that with many boy in my peer. But what I can do? I need to survive, for me that school is survival field. I need to using every thing I can to look "normal" there.

Ah, just to picture my trauma from my past in the high school. Now, I am in same office with one of my peer and one of my junior. My junior is one of my room mate that time. We close, we often go to volleyball field just to look at the star. Two of my junior, one of my close friend and me. When she go to my section in the office and suddenly tell her memory about me, I am getting chills over my body. I don't know. That time, I remember not really had bad experience with her. Eventough sometimes I take some of her things without her permission, hehe. I am a bad one here. But still memory from my high school too scary, I don't wanna replay that again in my mind. I don't wanna remember that "past".

Beside my junior, I had my peer as my work mate. I am room mate with her at my third year. I have many bad memories with her like how her word hurt me. And sometimes I remember she used me, or mock me. For sure, I don't really like her that time. But of course, I am not really care about that as long as she is not disturb my life now. I know from her attitude now, she does change too. But worse thing is she still wanna reminiscence our past. Yeah, she had good memories in the past include she is with her boyfriend from scout. I mean she did married with her " high school" boyfriend whom is our scout trainer.

But I don't have same memories with her. And I don't wanna even remember our past. In short I wanna throw them out. So, I am really really make my distance with her. It's not like I hate her "now" but our memory and our perspective about past just different. And I never tell her this and I don't wanna. So, if I can, I will always avoid her when she ask me to hang out even just to eat together.

But why not just try? I am trying, once, and I am seriously regret it. I don't like being open up with people. That's what I know for sure when talk with her. Once again, I don't hate her "now". After all we are grown up now. We are old. But for some person especially like me, who got trouble with my past, it's burden to open up with people from your past. So, yeah that's why....

But yeah, of course it's not like I am always had bad memories about my high school. In that hell, I find my long crush story. I meet him and I am grateful for that. Until now. I will tell you later. Hehe. Let's just stop here, tell about bad past memories give me sudden mellow feeling.