30 Year Old Lady Daily Life

Part 7

Then let's start my high school story. For disclaimer, I hate this era very very much. If I had time machine, I will pick go back to my middle high school and tell my self to not enter that damn shiit school.

My first goal enter that school actually wanna made many friends from different place. Had tight close relationship until I am die, like in the movie or anime or manga about friendship I read. And yeah, I am bored with my current friends that time, that's why I think enter that school will made me more sociable, more happy and got happy memories as popular girl with many friends. When in come to reality, its just worst thing ever happen in my life.

I already introduces my friend at first chapter, Misaki. Actually she and me is bullying victim. Maybe mine not same with her. She get more more bullying than me. But in that school, I dont have choice except than camouflage there, which made me hate my self very much. I am a joke there, my self esteem really crushed there. I will tell about Misaki story later, and how I still had in fault feelings about her tragedy.

At first year of our school, its still made me excited. After all, its still introduction stage to new environment. My school is boarding school which mean we spent our time mostly in our school and get to know same people in community for 4 years. It's mean like or not there will be hierarchy between us.

Standard evaluation for sure its money. Children with good support from their parents or rich kid will get benefit from this system. They are first tier in community. They always surrounded by many people, but its can be bad or not. I am not that category, so I dont know how their feeling. But I am one of person who trying get close with them. At least, they pick me, cause that time I am not have many things to give other people and I dont have strong quality to attract other people than "yes man" girl. You know, like accompany them everywhere, always beside them even I dont like them very much, actually I just dont click with them.

Like my story before, I am not really good with attract people, I am quiet girl and just focus in my world. It's mean, I am prefer busy with my mind and dont really care with social interaction. Even at middle high school, I dont have many close friend, not popular and passive girl too. But when I come to this boarding school, I need to push my self being new character which made me uncomfortable. And I hate it.

I gain my confidence with study but at that school, I dont have choice except just "being stupid" for my sake. In our school, we need to being stupid too if we wanna have happy life or enjoy our youth. Being popular more important than being clever there. Eventough clever person had their position in our social system in that school. But for sure, they suffer more than ordinary kid in our school. They get mocked too if they dont wanna share their homework or give answer sheet when exam come. In short, that category suffer and used by others more than ordinary people. So, that's why I need to being just ordinary girl there and trying hard to fit in that school in order to survive there.

When first year in first semester, I got title as money digger cause I am always follow one girl friend, she is being hated. Cause eventough she is rich, she is bitch and always critique people and harsh to other people. Why I follow her? Cause I dont have choice. I am not good with socializing, not smart enough compared to some of clever people in that school, and she just always come to me. Actually she is harsh to me too, many time she just abandoned me when she had other girl choose her. I am boring person actually in front of them. And that time, when you are always alone, you will get trouble life there too. That's why its hard to live there. It's really survival for me.

Actually at first year, I am trying hard study too. But I dont really like many of their subject, so I am failed. Not even in top 20 in my school. It's impossible actually. But fact there is all of us from different continent and before enter that school we need to take exam which really hard for our age. So, people who enter that school actually smart people. So, I am failed compete with them.

First year really crushed my self. I dont have close friend, stupid, yes man girl and being a joke in my peer. I remember one of boy there even play with me. I mean he tell me he like me but actually its just trick to made fun of me. Cause I dont have experience date with boy, so when he tell me he like me in some afternoon, I am being excited. And then next day, I wait for him and call him in secret and ask him again. When he know this, he just laugh at me and then made fun of me. When actually I dont even understand that feelings for sure.

Actually in that's school too, when girl get confessed with men, its mean they really popular and had title as beautiful girl, or interesting people to being with. So, cause I had this obsession for being popular girl who had many friends, get confession from boy its really special. But its turn on, after that day, that boy who give me fake confession, tell other people about my question and after that I get title as easy girl for boy at our school. Soo horrible. My pride as 'hard to get girl' just crushed too. I am soo embarrassed.

There are time too when our orientation stage that time, one of my friend. Girl. She pointed most handsome in our school. She soo hyped towards him. Actually I dont even realize him if she doesn't tell me about that. So when she said he is handsome and etc, I just follow her and said yes to her. Just wanna being included in her talk, after all she is popular, that's why. I dont even had feeling for that handsome guy. Some day after that, people said to me, to look at my face. Cause I need to wary of it. They said I am just ordinary girl from small city and how dare of me like most handsome guy in our school. I am soo surprised and get trauma for that. It's mean she spread misunderstood convo between us. I had hard time believe in others cause that. Yeah, fact is many girl in my school really prettier than me, so its made sense. But eventough I am ugly than them, its not mean I must like handsome men in my school. Myy,I had my standard too. I even reject many people and even disgusted with men before. So, its really give me shock too when they made that conclusion.

So, had many bad title made me paranoid. There are time, when we cant take a bathe or wash our clothes in our dorm cause water problem and we need to search for other house in our boarding school environment, there are time no one wanna call me for that. So, I walk alone many time and always get noticed with other girl. And when we pass each other, they will whisper and hidden their laugh.

It's made me soo small. That time, I know for sure, I cant survive if I am being my self. Cause I am actually a sensitive kid, so I need to tear off this image too. It's soo hard, seriously. I really hate being there. It's soo traumatic. I even remember always sleep in the floor cause in my mind that time, with sleep in the floor, I will kill my old self and just follow them, not being unique. So, I dont need to be alone and at least had friends even its just fake. From that, my suffer just started and I hate my self too much until phase I hurt my self, so I can fit in. Disgusting and miserable....