I was trying to hard to be better.
I wanted to be better for Colby, because he didn't do anything wrong. I could tell he was beating himself up from all of this, but he wasn't at fault this time.
He was doing everything in his power to make me feel safe and protected. He was being sweet and gentle about this pregnancy.
He didn't know about the internal war going on inside my head.
I couldn't see myself being a mother to a baby who's father was undetermined.
I know that Colby would help me and would step up to be the child's father, but it was cruel.
It was cruel to lie to my child, and it was cruel to make Colby raise someone else's kid.
Not to mention, I didn't want a baby in the crime world to begin with.
After everything that's happened, I just wanted to have a normal life.
I didn't want to be a part of the violence. I just wanted to run away with Colby.
My thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the front door, causing me to flinch and look at Colby with wide eyes.
"It's okay, darling. It's just Sam and the girls." He said then reached over and gently caressed my cheek with his thumb.
"Are you sure?" I whimpered as he nodded. "Positive." He said then stood up to go get the door.
I wanted to trust him, but I noticed him put his hand on his gun as he walked towards the front door.
As soon as he opened it though, I could see Sam's smiling face.
"Hey, man." He said as Kat gasped. "Julia! I've missed you!" She said and ran over to me. I flinched back, whimpering slightly.
"Shit, sorry! I forgot, Jules." Kat said quietly as I shook my head, my eyes watering. "It's okay." I whispered but stood up.
"Excuse me." I said quietly then walked towards the second bedroom.
I hated that my reaction was to run and hide. I hated that Kat was so excited to see me, but I was a mess.
They didn't deserve this treatment.
I went under the desk and cried into my knees, feeling ashamed of myself.
I was supposed to be getting better, but I felt worse than ever.
I don't think I would ever be normal again.
"Hey." Colby whispered, sitting in front of me. "She didn't mean to scare you." He said gently as I nodded.
"I know." I whispered. "I'm sorry everything is so scary right now." He said with a sigh, reaching his hand out to me.
"Let us help you." He encouraged as I sniffled and shook my head. My eyes watered as my chest ached.
There was another layer of anxiety that I was feeling, and I didn't know how to calm myself down.
"Julia, baby." Colby whispered as my arms shook. "Fuck. You're gonna be okay." He said and crawled under the desk, laying me down so my head could rest in his lap.
"N-n-no." I mumbled as the sick feeling I knew so well creeped up my throat.
"Let it happen, sweetheart. You're gonna be okay." Colby hummed as my eyes rolled back.
I don't know how long I was out until my eyes were fluttering open again.
I was laying on the bed, in Colby's arms. He ran his fingers through my hair, humming quietly.
