Just the Highlights

Eli: Stunned/Just the Highlights (240)

 Even though I understood why Julie pulled back like she did, I still missed her. I liked having her around, she was someone I could stand having around for long periods of time, and she wouldn't come by anymore. She'd pick Ava up from school or take her to lunch when I was busy, but she wouldn't come to the house if she really had to. And she wouldn't spend any time with me. I get that she needed space but we were supposed to be friends and friends spent time together. I had no clue why she wouldn't just come over and watch a movie with me. It wasn't that big of a deal.

Finally, I convinced her to come and have dinner with me. Ava was off at some sleepover, I was under strict orders to come and get her if she became bored or annoyed or scared, and Julie brought over some take out. We rented a movie and settled into the couch with our food and some wine. She had seemed nervous at first, a little put off by the whole situation, but she eventually relaxed and we were just Eli and Julie again. Eli and Julie, friends. I loved that we were able to slip back into that version of ourselves so easily.

Anyway, after the movie ended Julie decided to stay a little longer. We kept the wine flowing and the conversation going and then the conversation hit an interesting point. We started talking about how pathetic our love lives were and how Abby kept trying to get Julie to go out with these losers to "cleanse her palate" and how Ava kept trying to set me up with staff members at her school. We talked for a long time about all those sorts of things and how bored we were with the whole thing, stupid stuff. It was all so stupid and the kind of conversation you can only have when you're on the edge of drunkenness.

That led to even more wine and even more talking and then we got to an even weirder conversation: we were talking about love. I was a cynical drinker and was against the whole idea of it, but Julie was all for it. We argued in a way that wasn't really arguing for a while until I just cut her off. I just went for it and cut her off in the middle of the sentence. I kissed her.

It was a real kiss. Not a brush of our lips, not a drunken slobbery thing, not the kind of kiss that is given while you collapse onto a bed looking for something more. It was a real, honest to God, kiss. I hadn't made the conscious decision to kiss her, I just had, but it wasn't until I did it that I realized how much I wanted to kiss her. I didn't know for how long I had wanted to but I wanted to and I was so glad I did. I hadn't been so glad about doing anything than I had in that exact moment.

Until she pulled away.

Of course she was the one who pulled away. She hadn't been the one who leaned in, she hadn't been the one to initiate anything. So of course she would be the one to come to her senses first. She pulled away and as soon as she did I knew I had made a mistake. The guilt was written all over her face and I could barely stand to see it. She regretted it, she regretted the whole thing, and I had been the one to make her feel that way. All I wanted to was take it back but I couldn't.

We didn't say anything for a while after that. We just sat there, staring at each other. But then she fully came to her senses and got up, mumbling something about getting a cab and how she couldn't drive like this. I tried to apologize and convince her to stay, to just stay a while longer, and to sleep in the guest room instead of going home. But everything just came out all jumbled and she left. She just walked out the door and into that cab, the guilt still all over her face.

Once she left, I was able to finally sit down and think about what the hell had happened. And that's when I realized: I didn't just want to kiss Julie. I loved her. I was in love with her. Who knew when that had happened, I sure didn't. And I sure didn't want to think about the Nora of it all. I felt like such a piece of shit. Nora was a good person, a great person, and I had loved her. I had loved her so much. Julie had loved her too. And here we were, making asses of ourselves. I didn't know how to deal with all of this. I loved her, that was a fact, but I didn't know how I (or we) would deal with the rest of it.