My Letters to God.

Letter 5

I've been itching to write to you today God. I started the morning fine. Went to the doctors again for the last test for my stomach. After I had enough time to make it to my asm program (which by the way thanks you so much for that! I thought it would be too late so I might be there late but no! I made it right on time with some minutes to spare! Thank you!) Things were going fine but then the gym happened. What happened I don't know. I started floating in my mind again. Overthinking and started panicking. I was imagining getting baptized. What my testimony would be but then I started battling myself again Lord. When that lady called to invite me to the begin classes I started overthinking instead of listening to you. I began to doubt myself. On one hand I wanted to go to get closer to you, understand what you tell me in the bible. On the other hand I didn't want to go because what if I get baptized and failed afterwards. What if I rewind and get lost again? What am I supposed to do after getting baptized? If they need people to go to other countries would I be afraid and back out? Is my faith truly so little? All these thoughts (and imaginations that you know of...) started invading and I just felt the beginning of frustration all over again. I just wanted to lay down and sleep or get on my knees and beg for forgiveness! I feel like we're on a ticking time bomb. That the world will end any second and I'm the only one that knows it and is too weak to go to heaven. I began feeling self-loathing and pity I guess. That fear...I know the end will come. That you will come back and it CAN be and any second, day, and time. I guess I'm afraid of not going home. Not going up there in Heaven with you but that's bad of me to think that also right? It shows how small my faith is doesn't it? I want my faith to be strong. To be like steel like my mother. It gets me thinking sometimes though...Have my mother gone through this too? How did she find you? How did she want to build her relationship with you? Did you use something she feared as well or was she birthed into your teachings? It's a thought though and I have no way of knowing...I wish I did though. Enough self-pity! I opened up to my dad and I'm positive you spoke to me through him! I'm going to take the classes. I want our relationship to be strong and close. I want to understand the knowledge you are holding out for me! I just pray that I would not look back once I move forward and whatever happens that I look only to you and trust in you and you alone. God. Build and mold me so that you can use me to bring others to you. Take this self-loathing out of me and turn it into your unconditional love. Build the passion, that fire that my mother had and this mother has for you God. And when I feel like giving up, that I can't do it or continue, give me the strength to keep going! To not give up and keep walking and climbing for you, to you Lord! Don't let me get lost. Please and thank you God. Amen. Amen.

Candy.