"I feel like I'm going in circles. Like I'm stuck in a cycle and I can't seem to claw my way out of. It's feels like when I found my religion again I started grieving.
Like all the things I've ever held in and ignored through others things are final...
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You are my master Lord Jesus and I want to put you in every aspect of my life. I know I keep going on and on about this and about the fanfiction too but it's still making me feel up and down. I'm pumped to write it, excited but then I have second thoughts am forgive me Lord Jesus but I'm so confused on who's tugging me this time around. I was reading today about conviction from the Holy Spirit (who will never lead us wrong) and condemnation from the enemy who tries leading us wrong! I made a chart on how to discern the two and I have to say I'm clear about it but yet still utterly confused. The Holy Spirit makes us want to do the right thing and urges us but he doesn't force us to. He doesn't guilt us into doing things or drive us crazy until we obey. It's more like he gives the will in our hearts to obey and act on that. Condemnation from the enemy throws us into a loop. He makes us worry and worry until we can't feel our stomachs anymore and he puts things in our heads that (personally) makes me sick to my stomach. He uses shame and our insecurities to keep us from our job and/or to blame you by making us doubt and ask "Is God punishing me?". I understand the differences but then looking at my fanfiction I can't understand which I am feeling. On one hand it fits with conviction because I got away from Fanfiction. Granted it's not yaoi (thank you so much for getting me out of that!) but it's still something that distracted me from you for a very long time. It's like I'm going back but I know...I feel...I want to glorify you through my stories and to be completely honest with you God because I don't want to ever lie to you! I miss writing fanfiction. Not yaoi but fanfiction and that is the flesh correct? No I don't want to be addicted to it like before but I do want to go back writing and glorify you because you are hope, love, and truth. Without you...all stories fictional and real are dead. So I feel pumped when I think of my favorite anime characters coming to you and accepting you as Lord and Savor (forgive me I am weird!) but on the other hand doubt comes and I start thinking things like "Am I betraying you?", "Am I breaking one of my promises to you?", "What is I get prideful again and my motives aren't pure?". "What is wrong with me?!" One after another they come and then I become afraid. I feel paranoid and just itch to slam the stories away from me but then I get the urge to write and the game continues. Lord...forgive me for being confused and if it is wrong of me. I ask Lord that you lead me on this path and give me the strength to obey you when you answer and to rebuke and ignore the devil. I ask for clarity of these emotions I feel. I want to write for you Lord. I just want to have faith and write for you.
