My Letters to God.

Letter 89

I fell asleep on You last night. I just felt so tired and while talking to You God I fell asleep. I still feel sleepy but that's not normal. I slept good and had lots of sleep Lord so why am I still tired? I know You are with me Jesus but am I even make one little step to You God? Am I even crying out? Is this normal or am I letting the enemy get the best of me?! I want to be mad but that's not gonna help anything and in the end it is all my fault. I say I'm not going to let the enemy get to me and a few seconds later I just want to shut up the voices and go lay down somewhere. I want to spend time out of my mind but I know if I don't face it, it will always get to me. Is something wrong with me Jesus? Am I trying enough to hear You or is my heart impure? Is it rotten and that's why- I will hear You God. You promised to never leave me, to never abandon and You always tell the truth and keep Yours promises Jesus. You always see me through things so I know You are going to keep me going. My mom said if I can't run then walk and if I can't walk then crawl. Which one am I in? I guess I'm just frightened of being a wolf in sheep's clothing. Of being a monster...of being disloyal. My feelings are all out of control but apathy is something I don't want to go back to. Not feeling and not caring, that's frightening. I want to understand my feeling but I feel stupid. Everyone around understands their emotions very much and I'm here trying to figure out what I'm feeling or what I should feel or if I should feel something when I should! You don't make mistakes Lord. Your words do not come back void and You can change even the most coldest person. You made me alive and I do not want to go back dead. I do not want to turn my head anywhere but to You Jesus but it seems I can't even lift my head. You are the perfect one and I'm just here wondering, fearing if I did something wrong and that because of my stupid self You won't listen to me or talk to me anymore. That because of myself, you won't even look at me anymore and spit me out. Surely You won't...You finish what You start God. You keep your promises but what about me? I'm human. I'm a mess. I'm weak. Will I hang on! Will I keep going to You or am I going to be one of those people that walks away. Do I even make it to Heaven Lord? You know the plans you have for me God, plans to not harm me but to prosper me and give me hope for a future. You know my heart God and You see all my ways from the past, present, and in the future. You made the heavens and the earth and You picked me out of everyone else much more worthy. Things do not happen for no reason. It's so quiet in the house God. Jesus, it's too quiet here. The tv is on but I put it on mute because the show was distracting me from You. From this. You said Jesus that no body can snatch us out of Your hands and I believe that. You always answer and You always keep Your promises. I just fear that I'm going to make the most stupidest mistake now or in the future and be cut off from You God. I'm afraid of feeling at ease because, I don't even know why. I hate the voices in my head. I hate what they say and the things they put in my head. I hate that they distract me from praise You God and getting my mind twisted. I say a quote and I say it all wrong because I'm trying to ignore the voices and they get to me! Yet I'm so stupid because when I have a moment of peace it makes me feel unease because I don't know what going to pop up next and then I feel complacent. I feel that I'm putting You in the background when I'm at peace and doing something like watching tv or working on a story. Like when I don't think "Jesus got me. Jesus is with me." I'm being disloyal not thinking of You. I know You are there but when I don't think of You I feel that I'm being disloyal. That I'm not even paying attention to You. I just want to be up there with You. At times it feels like I'm not even feeling anything at all towards anyone again but I know You won't leave me to fall in the enemy trap. You said so Yourself God that You won't let me fall in the fowler's trap -that You will rescue me. I know You will convict me back. You discipline those You love God. You are a loving Father God. You do not just throw us into something and then leave us until we succeed or fail, You walk us through and go ahead of us and it's through Your Son that we have victory. God...Jesus...please do what You see best. Please ignite my soul, ignite a passion for You Jesus! Surely You are here with me in this room. Me waking up is proof. Me lying down is proof. Like David said, In my sleep You sustain me God. You protect me in the night God and I know that the things in my head isn't me but I can't help but feel responsible. Like it is my fault. Everything is my fault but I know You are going to clean it up, clean me up. You going to remove the bad and pour in the good God. You always do. You're going to make me strong and right now I have to go through this little bit of suffering. I have to because it'd going to make me strong like You Jesus. What the devil intends for evil, You use for Good God. Jesus, my soul goes to You. My Heart goes to You. My brain, take it God for it belongs to You. Please reform it God. Make it like Yours Jesus. Make it pure like You Jesus. Amen.

Candy.
Thank You God.