My Letters to God.

Letter 93

Thank You God for waking me up today and for calming me down last night when I cried. I can't remember what happened before I fell asleep. I remember crying and asking You to help me, then turning off the light and that's where everything goes blank. I prayed and I know Lord You will answer in Your time. I know that if I give up now, everything will be lost. You didn't put me here for me to give up. You didn't save me only for me to walk away. You didn't make me a light in this world for me to dim out and God, You didn't instill, Love in me only for me to turn into a monster again. You put me on this earth to do good. Be good and make even at least one person smile. I let my anxieties get the best of me and turn to other things and try holding everything in but You know. God. You know the brokenness I hold so close. You keep trying to show me but I'm the one being stubborn again. I'm always the stubborn one. My emotions are something I want to know of, what causes me he anxiety, what type of person I am but I guess I am afraid of what I will find. If I dig deep enough, what will find? I know I want to be like You Jesus and God, You said to never call what You made clean, impure. I'm sorry Lord. I keep worrying about what type of person I am, if I hold darkness still but that doesn't make sense now that I wrote it. You made me clean. You cleansed me and continues to cleanse me. Maybe counseling will help me but I want to know Lord that it is YOU leading me to counseling. I always ran away from counseling God. When I was little I had to take counseling for my mother's death (which I still can't remember) then in middle school I had to take counseling for anger issues. After that I really did not like counseling. I guess because the counseling didn't help. I was still angry, I still lashed out and then I'm worried about them saying You're not real and giving me medication (would I say yes or no?) Most of all I don't like people or things in my head. Like they are prodding at me, trying to see what makes me tick. But that should be tossed out the window now huh? I trust You God with my head because You already know me from the inside out but I'm afraid of knowing myself I guess. Like these voices in my head aren't mind but God, they make me question if I hold something against You. I don't but the paranoia is there. Like what if I dig to the core and it's something so ugly against You? Something so...I don't want to think of it. I can't face it alone. Would finding out be the start of healing God? I know it has to get stormy and worse before it gets sunny and bright. The wound has to be ripped open in order for it to get the proper treatment for it to heal. Jesus, You said "Don't be afraid, just believe." I will try my best and believe, to love You God with all my heart, mind, and soul. To stay on Your path Jesus and I know if I sway, You will always convict me back into Your arms Jesus. I pray Jesus for clarity when I'm confused and strength for when I am weak. In my weakness You make me strong God. I pray for others who are going through the same as me or much worse Jesus. Who don't have the support system I have Jesus and who feel so lost and down, that they feel stuck like Elijah or weak. I pray for peace for them and a sound mind for their weary heads. I pray that those who are falling away Jesus, comes back to You God. I pray over them for a spiritual reawakening and that I stop expecting huge miracles but look at the blessings You give every day  in every way in each day. Thank You Jesus for my gifts God and that You are teaching me servanthood. To stand strong even when I don't feel like it. Thank You for the questions You give me to solve and for those I have to keep me going. Amen. Thank You Jesus.

Love You,
Candy.