My Letters to God.

Letter 62

Where am I God? Exactly where am I standing with you? Sometimes I feel like I'm so far from where I need to be and I'm the wall I'm trying to overcome. Yes. It's always me. My fault, my fault, my fault. It can't be yours because you gave me nothing but good things and the trials thrown my way you saw me out of and molded me to be right. I messed myself up. How sweet I think when I see kids running around freely and laughing...so innocent and naive. "Don't grow up" I think because I see what it turns us into. Well how I turned up while growing up. Innocent is great but the naivety leads to dangerous things. Maybe that's why I feel like this. I've been purified, made innocent by you Jesus but as a newborn I'm naive. I guess that's why I'm hard on myself as Josie said. Maybe I'm missing something. Maybe these thoughts have to come out or maybe in plain words I'm just stupid. When I texted Josie this morning I didn't think I would be spilling my guts to her. Somehow though I did and it was much easier telling her majority of what I kept inside than it was for me to tell my mentor Monica. I paint a smile on and remain polite to others, I try being loving and on the inside I feel like a big fake. But if I'm not the stereotype Christian like how I always saw others then I feel like I'm walking with the enemy and turning away from you. Josie said the way I'm feeling is good. Normal because it's the spirit in me wanting to please You and do right but she also said I'm too hard on myself. We all fall short. It's our brokenness that led us to You or more precisely You used to bring us back to you. I guess I understand what she's saying...I'm managing myself, trying to do something only you can do when everything is all out of my hand. How funny because now...in Tea Stains I wrote a chapter on control. How everything is out of our (humans) control even ourselves so it's pretty much useless trying to manage it and look at me! I'm doing the exact same thing Amos is doing! How funny! It's out of my hands...I need to spend more time with you but Lord how do I do that? Praying and reading the bible I do and it became routine but maybe I'm not praying long enough? Praying true enough? Take down notes? The only other way I feel like I'm really connecting to you is through my letters but yet I keep freaking slacking on these! It's like everything has been screaming inside me and yet I've been pushing you away. Why do I do that?! Why do I push you away. Even now I'm thinking of school and movies while I'm typing this and...Josie so right. I'm making myself so exhausted trying to do your job. Trying to be in control of everything while locking the pain inside of myself. Help me not to Lord. Please help me not slack or fail to spend time with you. Help my spirit grow in hunger for you and not compromise. Help me incorporate you in my everything and especially in my stories. You're the write Lord. Not me. Help me listen and just...help me to just rest in you and watch you bring this story of mine to life because me writing it...me writing my own story...I'll kill it. 

Candy.