My Letters to God.

Letter 6

I feel the clenching of a relapse God. Like I'm so wrong; everything is so wrong and one day I'm going to wake up and fail everybody. One day I'm going to wake up and everyone I know is gone because they gone home and not me. I've failed and is now damned to hell. I keep thinking of scenarios, plans I guess, when the time comes and the Antichrist comes after us. Is that wrong of me? Am I truly paranoid and what does that mean about my faith? Is my faith so small? On one side I know you are always going to be there for me and those who follow you. It isn't death I'm afraid of. It's failing you and being damned to Hell. Is that selfish of me God? Am I being selfish to want to go to heaven? To have everlasting life? To escape this world when you come and go home where peace is and my mom and grandfather (even though I never met him). Where nothing is wrong. That gets me thinking though God. Overthinking and then the clenching doubt comes back. What if I fail? The devil is tricky and when he comes to trick us to take the mark, how would I know? I guess it's the unknown I'm afraid of God. It's like "Who can I trust." But then I feel guilty because I'm supposed to trust you and lean not on my own understanding. It feels like I'm fighting myself. Overthinking yet trying to run away from my thoughts. My arms were starting to get that itchy feeling again. To be honest I hate that feeling because it makes me want to claw at my arms and cut. I don't want that. My dad was telling me about his past, his depression and it made me feel better but it made me wish I could just tell him everything going through my mind. Without the breaking down and crying though because he wouldn't be able to understand a thing I would say. That and I don't think I would be able to tell him if I broke down and cried. I want to show him these letters God. I know he won't have all the answers or any answers because it's all in your hands and I just need to stop thinking and listening to myself and start listening to you. Continue reading my Bible and do that first step plans. I pray to you for knowledge when I read though God and I'm sorry if I'm sounding like a broken record here but I also pray for the strength to walk towards you on the path of righteousness. To not fall to temptation and stop worrying so much. I pray to stay strong for you and you to use me to bring my family and people back to you Lord. To not get lost again, in your holy name: Amen.

Candy.