My Letters to God.

Letter 86

I need to learn self control. That's another lesson I can take out of these attacks Jesus! Thank You God for it now that I think about it! Well my dad said I needed to stop acting on my freaking out because the devil sees. The devil is not able to read my mind but he sees my actions and I have been acting out on my upset. I've been acting out when I'm frustrated or when I start panicking at night and then I refuse to sleep. I keep myself up and busy myself with internet or this week cleaning out my room. I'm feeding the freaking devil so that's something that needs to be delt with. Also Lord my dad told me it's telling you that I don't trust you Jesus and I am sorry for that. I'm sorry that my actions says I don't trust you and I ask that you help me do better. For me it's hard not to act on the things I feel but I need to stop leaning on emotions. Thank you for telling me though over and over again. I wonder is that's why James said to be self controlled to us. Peter said to be devoted to prayer, ever thankful and ever watchful. Paul says to be thankful and to love because you love. God, You are my God. Jesus is my Savoir and my Lord and the Holy Spirit is my guide and beautiful gift to lead me where I need to go. Three in one. All working together to keep me off the path of wickedness. God I ask that my words about You, The Son, and the Holy Spirit are true and not in any way wicked or mocking. I do not want to slander You God Almighty. In my heart search me and convict me back to You Jesus. I ask for forgiveness and to reveal to me my wrong doings to repent for God. Show me what I need to turn away from and to stay with you Jesus. God. So that nothing will be put before You in my heart Jesus. Thank You God. It is getting close to Easter and yesterday God was the day You died Jesus for our sins and sunday is the day You rose again. Thank You Jesus for taking the cross for my sins and paying the cost, for delivering us from satan's hold on us and bringing us back to the Father. Closing the gap that sin made so so long ago and that now because of Your unfailing love Jesus, we can come to Your Father God without barriers. Jesus...may praise for You and to You forever be on my lips. May my lips be compelled to speak Your greatness even in times my fear spikes up and I'm surrounded by enemies of all kind. Thank You God for the family I have and the fun we had today. Thank You God for the letter my mom wrote. My dad showed me today Jesus the letter my mom wrote to me and my sister and brother before she died. It was so simple yet it touched me so much I cried in my dad's arms. I always wondered what she would say, if she would be comforting and help me in dark times, if she would speak up when things got bad for my siblings and I. In a fit of rage and selfishness Lord- I remembered those times, many times I hated being compared to her. Shamefully my heart was cold to my own mom that birthed me. The mom You blessed me with Jesus. God you blessed me with her and I didn't appreciate her. Whenever a family member would bring her up and compare me to her especially my grandma I would get so angry on the inside...I felt like such a monster compared to her. I felt that everyone was using me to just keep her alive. That I was under her shadow God and being used. Nobody saw me because they saw her. I was so horrible Lord. I remember this mix tape I made and it was dedicated to my mom. In one part I questioned if God if she would have helped me through the things I've gone through or if she would kept her mouth closed. I asked what she would say to me and today that was answered I believed. She would say one thing and one thing only: "I love you." Three simple little words that come from first of all YOU, my grandma, my dad, and now my mommy and they still cut so deep. Mom...if you are there with God and Jesus -sleeping or not mom then I am sorry for the hate and anger I felt before. I am so sorry and thank you so much God and mom. Ha, I don't want to cry in front of my family here around me. I'm in the dinning room. If You are willing Father God then I will see You soon mom. Jesus. Holy Spirit. God, thank You for so much today and that letter. I think I would like a copy of that. Also thank You God for the devil little fits in my head because it just tells me that You are still my Father God and I am still Your child. Jesus, I don't know what to say but thank you for this night where while we stay awake or fall into slumber YOU are still in control and You always watch over us God. Thank You God that we had enough money to buy something at the corner store today and the nice weather of spring. We aren't going to Florida in April like we planned originally but if You are willing God then we might be going to Texas to see my grandparents and to the beach to swim! Oh! Oh! And the women retreat! I haven't been to a retreat in a long time and never a women retreat God so I wonder how it's going to be! I wonder what You are going to show me! What will I take back from the retreat. It's only for two day and it's in may but I'm excited! Brenda is coming with me! I'm happy! First off to be honest because I won't be alone and also because this other girl I was reading her devotional and she was talking about how the retreat she goes to is just so awesome because You just rejuvenate her. You spoke to her God and she came back a different person. Maybe I am thinking too much into it but You are powerful God and able to touch anybody and everybody! In one night or two nights You can and already do work powerfully in us or through other means so I'm just going to be blown away for what comes during the retreat! I love spending time with my dad God. I like it when we talk about You and he explains scripture to me or tell me to keep fighting and stop giving the devil the power. I like the little conversations we have whether it's about something silly like animals today or something serious or memories he has of mom or even things we mostly just skim over. It just so nice to talk to him God. To see more of his heart and know the things that make him, him God. Each conversation is like a huge gift from You God. It makes my heart sore and feel so light that I don't want it to end but Lord. I must carry on. God You bless me with my family and thing I need to lean on You. All things I need to lean on You like when in the night when the voices are the loudest and I'm the only one in my family up-those are the times I need to stop leaning on myself and others and lean on You and also lean on You in all seasons. Whether its my happy moments or saddest, I need to lean on You God. Live thankfully in all seasons because in the end, everything is in Your hands God and the one that has the final say is You Jesus. And you promised to save me from the devil's trap and his deadly poison that he tries to feed me. You will always deliver me Jesus. God, You will always be faithful even when I'm -like now- failing at being faithful. You will make me strong and teach me Your ways Jesus. I know You will because You always do. God, I'm getting distracted by the tv. Thor is on and I don't even like thor! I never saw any of his movies but still don't like thor. I like iron man and batman and batman funny comics. ^_^ It's so hilarious when superman tries making fun of batman and batman owns superman. It's just so funny. Lord thank you for this blessed night and not sure if I'm going to sleep in a bit when my dad and Brenda goes to sleep but Goodnight and I love You God. In Jesus name: Amen. 

Candy.