My Letters to God.

Letter 107

God, I'm so frustrated today. I feel like screaming at everybody but what's the point of screaming. Nobody will hear me. It feels that nobody I love will even care. God, Jesus, I feel depressed right now, pushed down and just wanting somebody else to hurt like I am right now. I know it's wrong and please forgive me for wishing this pain on another, Please God, take this negativity away from me. I will cry for a whole day but please take these dark thoughts of wanting to hurt others away from me. I caused too much pain already and the damage is still lingering to myself. I never knew psychology would get to me like this. I never wanted to self reflect on myself but perhaps this is a good thing...perhaps this will force my eyes to actually examine myself. God, I just don't like how it feels. My emotions. My anger. I'm wondering why I allow people to take my heart and hurt me. Mostly, Jesus, I wonder why I always give my own dad the upper hand. God, it hurts so much to be looked down upon by my dad and told everything is my fault. To me perhaps, I don't know anymore, but it always seems that the blame is on me and that my dad did his job perfectly. He makes me feel like that sometimes and it angers me! God, I thought I was over this but it still angers me when he uses the terms "I never raised you that way" or "I know you candy." God, inside I can just feel the old urge to scream out that he doesn't know me! If only my dad knew...if only I had the guts to confront him and tell him all of this, would it change a thing? It's so hard. Silence has been something instilled in me since birth. I can't even talk to a stranger in school without my indifference barrier or tearing up coming into play. God, am I the mad one here?! Did my dad do his job or am I actually the sane one between me and him? Whenever my dad and I try having serious conversations, we don't see eye to eye but I never continue it because I always feel humiliated afterwards. It seems that my dad always have evidence to back him up while I can't even explain myself properly. He always assumes something about me, never asks me what it is and when I do want to talk, he always busy or I hear something and suddenly I just want to protect him. I don't want him feeling depressed like this. I don't want to show him my pain and make him feel like he's worthless. He already feels that way with his own problems. I always find myself having pity on him and just swallowing everything down and having to deal with the gagging. God. I think I do need some counseling but I don't trust others well. Other people always seem to hurt me. I always find myself just not really connecting well. I feel out of place and with my own brothers and sisters in You (God please forgive me) I just feel sort of left behind. Maybe my perception on life is just cynical or negative no matter how much I try not to see it. I do believe in Hope. God, You are Hope and Love and true Wisdom. Jesus, You have me and You're the only one I feel at times that truly understands me and actually knows me. God. I just really needed to talk to You like this because from my lips, nothing right seems to come out. I am overtaken with emotions and I can't handle it. It's too much. Maybe I am being sensitive and a baby but I don't want to hate anybody. I don't want to hold any grudges or hold onto something that will plant a dark seed in me. You cleansed me of all of that. I don't want to go back! God, please guide me through this and show how to walk YOUR Holy path, and not my fleshy path. God, thank You for listening to me and dealing with my outburst. God, thank You that even if I can't see, You see everything, You hear everything, You already Know everything. God, please help me to hang onto Your promises of change. God, thank You for allowing me grace to come to You and just talk to You. To You God, goes all the Glory and Honor! In Jesus name: AMEN!

Candy.