My Letters to God.

Letter 15

It's hard explaining to my dad what exactly goes on through my head, especially when it makes me paranoid. Perhaps tomorrow I'll let him read these letters I write to you. He does a lot for us and sometimes it makes me feel like I'm being ungrateful because I have nothing to give back. Same when I think about all you do for me and I think "What the heck can I do?" or when I let the emotions get the best of me and pull me down or think back on the yaoi or fanfiction. I feel guilty. Maybe that's why I'm fighting sleep. Because this self-guilt or whatever keeps me up. Maybe because I'm worrying about if I'm being faithful, or how this world is going to smithereens and one day I'm going to wake up and be left behind. Or the end will come soon, next year or the next and I don't think I'm ready for it. Is that wrong of me? I feel guilty for feeling like that, thinking like that, worrying about that but it just rotates in my mind and logically I know that's not how it works. The world can end at any time and you can come back at any second but I just want to make you smile. I want to make it into Heaven with my family. I don't want pain anymore. No worries about families or myself, if my father is ok at work, if my brother will be ok once he starts high school, my great uncle, my grandma. My family in Texas. I don't want any one of them leaving or hurting. I don't want to be chained either to this world or the things holding me from having peace. The feelings get so bad I need to just get out and breathe. I think I do need to tell dad these things because I wonder if anybody else ever went through this as well. If mom went through this when she started seeking you. Please give me strength to keep fighting and seeking you. Please let me find the answers that I'm seeking, the ones I put down in here and are still in my head. Thank you for waking me up today and protecting my family and giving me all I need. In Your Holy name: Amen.

Candy.