My Letters to God.

Letter 10

God I really don't want to run from you or the knowledge you're giving me through everything but I honestly do want to stop thinking about the end of the world. It makes my arms itch and myself panic on the inside. Well not as much if I think about it. Before it would get bad, now it's manageable but I still don't want to feel that I'm going to fail or subconsciously thinking of plans to avoid everything if I do. That's just not right. As you're children we're supposed to be brave right? Plus that's like leaning on my own understanding right? I'm sure to stumble if I keep doing that because I'm not listening to you. That's like blocking you out with my own thoughts and knowledge. It's weird God. It's like every time I feel that I finally understand what you tell me I go and panic about the same thing and then I feel lost all over again. Maybe I'm just crazy Lord. Maybe I'm just paranoid about everything and that's not just religion wise. I can't even blame the medication because I've been off it. I didn't like how it made my brain feel fuzzy-like, like I wanted to sleep again. Unless my dad was right and that was just me being bored. I feel bad because I hurt Bubbles a lot. She should really get a medal or something! Especially yesterday when I hit her eye the last time. I laughed because her reactions was funny to me (I'm sorry.) but that went down when she didn't recover right away. I really hurt her and made it worse by kicking her leg. I forgot it was sore from the workout. I feel bad because I understand the pain and also I wouldn't like it if I was scratched in the face or kicked when I'm already sore! I would be mad and hit them back! I am so sorry Bubbles. God. I'm letting her sleep to write this, plus she hardly sleeps at her house or grandma's place. It's like we both need someone by us to sleep with. Is that bad Lord? I don't know. I'm sorry for not writing in days again. The fact is...what's shame like? I know the feeling very well but-I don't know- I was thinking if I was ashamed of these letters to you. On one hand I don't like anybody seeing what I write when I'm typing it. On the other I don't want people seeing these. Is that me being ashamed Lord? I'm am so sorry if it is! I don't know what's wrong with me. I wish I knew sometimes myself. I pray to you for strength and courage Lord to stand tall for you even when I receive criticism just for loving you God. I pray for Bubbles and my brother Toby that you give them the strength and courage to talk to their parents and tell them how they feel on the inside. Also for our parents to remain quiet and see their children, how much they hurt on the inside Lord. I pray that you take away their pain, rip it from their bodies and embrace them God, let them know you are there and you are not going anywhere. I pray that My dad and Brenda make it home safely and the other drivers on the road make it to their homes in one piece as well. I pray that Ileana gets away from that bridge she's trying to cross Lord. That you turn her around and send her back, stop her from crossing to that side of darkness. I pray for Jack and his heartache. That you take away his pain as well and let him find you God. That he knows he's never alone and he can beat his depression through you. As for the rest of my friends I pray that you help them through their trials Lord. That whatever they are facing you lead them and let them know you are there and the one true God. That they find you in whatever they get into. Religion wise or not. In Jesus name: Amen.

Candy.