My Letters to God.

Letter 98

Thank You Jesus for my grandma calling me today. I needed it. Thank You for protecting my family in Texas from the storm. Tila found her way out of the room because You guided Jesus. My grandma was telling me about it when I started typing. Thank You God for always watching over my grandma and grandpa. So they are planning to split which I understand completely but I had a little crying session over the thought of losing my grandma. I know she doesn't belong to me Jesus. She's Your child just like I am Your child God but still thinking of her one day leaving...it hurts. I pray to You Jesus to see her in Heaven along with my grandpa and mom. Emotions are one thing that plagues. A gift You gave us Jesus but I am still trying to get a grip on them all. I am glad for the talk my grandma had with me Jesus. We have You Jesus...there's nothing to worry about. Of course we are going to get sad and cry. I cry all the time it seems but I want to live like her. She says she doesn't want to die regretting things or being bitter to others. She wants us all to remember her in a loving way and it's the same with me too. My grandma is another inspiration to me. She just oozes love. Someone that I can hug and everything just seems to be set right. Someone at times I wish God to cling to the most. I noticed the main people I always want to hug when I'm in my lowest are my dad, grandma, mom, and siblings in You. They all love like You love. One day I want to hug You Jesus. God...one day when You bring me home...forgive me for asking Lord but one day can I hug You and listen to Your heartbeat? Can I just bask in Your warmth when its my time to go home to You? I think I'm scared of You God. I'm scared because everyone says You Jesus are so beautiful so I wonder how I'm going to react when I get to see You face to face? Will I have the courage to look You in the eye? You made me clean, washed my sins away from me God but will I be able to look into Your eyes? Will I tremble with excitement or fear? What will I say? When I ask that question God, so many intrusive thoughts come back making me think maybe there's something dark inside of me. It's like I'm repressing a monster deep inside and it freaks me out but God, You are greater than the monster and one day I know, I believe, You are going to kill the monster off bit by bit. I just need to keep going on and press into You Jesus. I need to remember Job, your prophets and even You Jesus had to go through the motions and You all came out victorious because God, our Father was right there with us. God, may I ask how do I press into You? There's reading the bible, praying, and these letters but how else? Is there a trick to it or maybe I am just being impatient again. Well...forgive me Jesus and please help me be more patient. God, my grandma was telling me before hanging up to ask you for strength (I think) and a thought of "he's going to give me more" passed by. I'm sorry God. Please forgive me of that! You stretch us to strengthen us and You always give us strength and wisdom to continue on Jesus! You never give us more than what we can handle God and I'm sorry for that thought. I turn away from that thought God and give it to You Jesus to shred apart. I'm kind of moping today. It's not right at all- another day unproductive! I was going to write Jesus but I threw that right out of the window. Forgive me. Laziness  is a battle that I need to get up and fight. Thank You Jesus that the kids were good today. They had no school and all day they spent time watching tv while I was up here in my room on my laptop. Not being productive like I said...the kids had some accidents here and there but overall thank You God for such blessings in my life! Lately they keep saying "I love you candy" to me. Could that -those three little words- be from You God? They seem to always remind me of their love and it's really cute and sweet. It lifts my day God but lately I get annoyed with my head. Specifically those thoughts because when I try thinking of You, You know what goes on Jesus and it goes into that cycle again. I love You Jesus. I love that when I'm having a mental day, You always do something to cheer me up or when days without any peace and I feel like giving up or fading away, You always bring me right back to You. I love that I can write to You Jesus. That what I don't say in prayers I can put on paper and You read each and every one. I love and fear that You know everything about me. I love that You're always so good to me Jesus especially when I do not deserve anything at all or that my family tells me You cry when I'm sad and that You pray for me. That You care deeply for someone like me who others would have saw as a lost cause. I love that one day, You are coming back for me. You are coming to get me and my siblings and take us home to God. One day there will be a 'better tomorrow' with the sun shining and everything set right. I love that yesterday Jesus You were right there when my anxiety was creeping back up and that even now Jesus whether I feel You or not, You are reading this as I type. I have still so much to learn and I keep saying that but it's true. Sometimes Jesus I don't think I learned anything at all but You always have something to teach God. I need to learn how to breath, how to smile, how to give it all up for You Jesus. To endure and hang out until the end Jesus. It's really weird but mind blowing how patient You are God and forgive me for saying weird but (I hope that isn't bad) it's something I can not phantom. You are so patient to let us repent and turn to You Jesus, God, even when we are so thick deep into stubbornness that it's scary. You warn us so many times, even now, and yet You are still patient with us. I don't really know what else to write about except that thank You for today and for protecting me in my sleep Jesus and also my family right now who are sleeping God. I pray for them Jesus, that they may have sweet dreams Lord and that my grandparents in Texas are well and safe tonight. I pray for their health, that they do not suffer and that my grandma check that she's been waiting for comes in. I pray that when they slip, I know You have them but I pray for my brother. Him and my grandpa are close -that's his grandpa/dad figure so I just pray Jesus that my brother is ok when they break apart. My grandma trust You so I will place my trust in You too and try my best to keep my trust in You God. Thank You Jesus for bringing my family home safe from their day and now laying us all to rest tonight. I pray for sweet dreams and a renewed interest and passion for reading the bible. God, I ask that You open my eyes Lord and show me things that I've been missing. I don't want to leave this earth regretting or being bitter towards anybody. I pray for the homeless out there tonight God and that we who are blessed greatly, blesses them greatly as well. Jesus I pray for spiritual healing over baby Harrison and his family. For comfort in their time of sadness. God, I pray for bubbles and that she's careful in that school and that her mom doesn't stop her from learning about You Jesus and that one day, her mom will let Bubbles go to church with me. I pray for my cousin that her heart softens towards You Jesus and that she does not stop my little cousin, her daughter, from learning about You Jesus and accepting You Jesus into her heart. I pray for the spiritually weak and brokenhearted; for the falling away that they may come back Jesus and that we all have the spiritual awakening we need Jesus to recommit ourselves back to You God. I pray for those reading these letters Jesus. That they continue on and press on and don't make the same mistakes I've made. I pray that they know that even though we walking a narrow path, we are not alone for we have our siblings in You Jesus walking on the narrow road too. I pray for love in the hearts of people who got none and who could use something to open their eyes and soften their hearts. I pray for the weeping parents that lost their babies today. That they will be comforted Jesus and not lose heart. I pray for strength to continue on God even when everything seems to fall at the seams and that through me, people will see You Jesus. Even in a small amount, I pray they see You Jesus, God, and that it inspires them to seek You out too Jesus. In Your holiest name: Amen.

I love You Jesus.
Candy. <3