My Letters to God.

Letter 108

God,

How do I know what conviction is and guilt is? I guess I'm trying to deal with this issue I have with anime. Every time I weigh it, I get the feeling that maybe I'm making excuses yet I know I'm not trying to. It's confusing to explain Jesus, I confuse myself big time. I talked about this with the Pastor at my church God and he told me about this guy who loved music. Before he got saved, he listened to bad music that influenced bad things but after he got saved, he got into worship music that glorified You Jesus. The subject was music and the guy didn't stop listening to it, he just listened to the type that fed him good things spiritually. God, I need to bare my heart and Holy Spirit, please help me to be honest and not cower in fear of the answer that may come. God, You are Holy and wise and only you can know the answer to the questions in my heart. Only You I want to be faithful to and I must admit, this is something I am nervous to get an answer to because maybe it won't be in my favor. But You are God and my Lord and Savior and I know if it isn't what I want to hear, YOUR ways are better and You will get me through the struggles that may come. I know You will Jesus...You got me through many things that I once thought I couldn't be without. 

God....my Father in Heaven....is anime bad and sinful? I am an anime freak and before I use to watch the bad type of anime. I use to watch hentai, yaoi mainly, yuri, and other bad things but after giving my life to You Jesus, that all went away because You got me off that. Yet I still like anime. I don't like the stuff I use to watch (in fact I detest yaoi and sexualized stuff now) but I still enjoy animes like Lovely Complex, Tsuritama, Tokyo Ghoul, Polar Bear Cafe, Silver Spoon (I haven't finished that one or Polar Bear Cafe.) and I have a list of others that I want to watch. It's sort of hard to find anime that doesn't have any sexual innuendo or fanservice. That the plot is clean and has a good, heart touching, message within the storyline. Yet I know they exist somewhere. God, the ones I found so far only have swear words its no different than the movies I now watch (when I watch movies) but then I find myself pondering the question of it in general. Saying it no different or comparing it to the other things that I use to use for bad, you turned it around for good seems to be making excuses and I start wondering about that too.

For example: My writing; I use to write gay fanfiction and it was bad...really bad but after You saved me, I don't write fanfiction yet I still write. I now write these letter to You as a way to talk when I can't pray and in hopes that You can use my gift of writing to inspire and encourage others. Another example would be Drawing: I use to draw dark, angry things that involved violence, hatred, suicide, blood and guts but now I don't. Now I draw non-violent things of y characters mostly but I still draw. Movies; I use watch gay TV shows and movies and especially horror movies and sexual movies. You saved me from that person I use to be. I still watch movies but it is movies that are either Christian or for kids I guess. I watch hero movies too, Sherlock Holmes, Zoo Keeper, Grown Ups, The Color Purple, and sometimes Law and Order S.V.U (especially when I walk into the living room and its on, I get stuck on the show.) It always have some sort of swearing, sadly in kids movies too I notice. -_- Kings of Queens, the list can go on. I hardly watch things, I notice but I still watch things. 

I hardly watch anime but I still like it (if that makes sense) and I guess I'm feeling guilty for it. Then I'm worried that what if its not guilt but You telling me to leave it be. Then I have a record to guilt tripping myself and beating myself up because with the movies and everything else, I don't feel guilty or convicted...yet I get self conscious about certain things like anime and fanfiction. Maybe its because when I watch or think about it, I remember of how bad I use to take those genres and when the voices pop up, I get scared, God. It makes no sense but that how it is. It reminds of the beginning when I felt guilty for looking at dresses; I felt like I betrayed you because I was looking up clothes. It was normal but I felt guilty for it and didn't understand why. I guess I think about how the bible says when we are born again, You make us into new creations and that we should put the old selves to death. And then the confusion started all over again but one thing I know Jesus: I don't want to be the one who falls away from You. I don't want to be left behind or gain the whole world and lose my soul. God, I want to be faithful and hear that I was a good servant. Jesus, I know if it's Your will, You will see me through this and prune me off the things that I need to be pruned of. You will give me the strength to let the doors that are not meant for me to be closed. God, please, let Your will be done in my life Jesus, Amen.

Candy.

God, Jesus, Holy Spirit, I love You but I know and I thank You that You love me more than I can ever Imagine.