My Letters to God.

Letter 26

Dear God and Dad;

I know I haven't been writing like I said I would each and every day and I guess that's why things are getting to me because in a way I stopped talking to you Lord. That and I haven't spoken up when I should. This letter is to two people: God and you dad. It's just the three of us here. You want to know what goes on in my mind? Why it's so hard to open my mouth and speak about everything going on in my head...it's hard speaking up about everything and all things but that's why the Lord gave me the gift of writing. What I cannot say though my lips I can put on paper and get it through to people. I hope it gets through you, even if it is a tiny part that reaches you, I pray that God works it inside you from there. Our souls cry out dad: Mine, Lorna's, and especially Toby's. You want to know how we feel? You really want to hear what we have to say? We love you dad, so much but we feel abandoned by you deep down. Lorna and you were such best friends but what happened? That shattered because you refused to see that for some people we want more than a stable job or money; it's not everything. We lived on less before and strangely we were happy. I see how money drives a person crazy and makes them think we need it but we don't. It's necessary sadly in this world to have to live off of but it shouldn't consume our lives. God gives people dreams for a reason: to help us grow and strive and be happy in the future. To do things with our hearts and be thankful for everything we have. I know how you are, God knows how you are and you need to look inside and see what matters most sometimes. I feel that we don't have a connection; that we stopped trying to connect again. We started hanging out again but that changed because you started meeting Brenda for the first time. I'm not saying it's her fault we stopped but it did makes me feel alone when you started bringing her over and took her back when you guys fought. It made me feel that you just forgot about me again because you have someone else in your life again. I got over that issue, buried it deep down I guess and covered everything up with a smile. She seems to make you happy so why take that away from you? But I admit; I was angry and more than hurt when you let them move in and like before I got over it. Then I started building my relationship with God and decided to forgive Brenda and you for the things hurting me and get rid of any grudges I had and maybe still have on the inside. Lately it's been hard and I guess that's why I'm always out now because I'm afraid of being alone with my thoughts. With the things that slip into my mind and overthinking everything. It's like I stopped ignoring things and looked around at my life. What am I doing? Where am I heading? Am I even good enough to go to heaven when I die or when the world gets so bad and the Lord comes back? Where do I step? What do I do? Am I doing the right thing? The unknown scares me and there's so much I don't know...I want to be a good influence on Toby, help those who are like me, I want all of us to make it into Heaven and see mom again. All these thoughts, all these worries and I can never seem to talk them out with you or others. When I try I can't because you're busy and tired and I can't bring myself to open my mouth. It frustrates me because when I try opening myself to you or others I end up crying and getting nothing out! It's a never ending cycle and I've been praying for guideness and asking God to guide you guys too. I'm hopeful. I'm hanging on to hope and belief that you're doing your best and still our dad and not turning into some stranger. I still see glimpses of your heart, your best wishes and work for us to be the best we can be dad but sometimes the things you think is right for us and tells us, hurts us the most and makes us believe you have no faith in us. I know it's because you never grew up with support and when you finally found happiness with mom...you lost her. You were young and scared, stuck with us three kids and you didn't know how to take care of. So you jumped into a relationship that tore you up inside for our sake and threw yourself into work to support us. That type of life is what shaped your mentality but you learned. You do your best each and every day but you still need learning dad. Especially with Toby. Toby's not a man dad. He's still a little boy and going into teenager when everything is so confusing and delicate; He needs his dad. He's always needed you. Out of the three of us he's the child: he's not grown and needs help dealing with life. He's not done being raised and I don't want him being raised how I was: learning life lessons from anime and cartoons, feeling so isolated from my own family that my friends became my family, feeling worthless and not able to be loved by anybody. Feeling like an experiment used to take care of other people kids, lower than the dirt on the ground. Did you know he once told me that he thought of cutting himself? He said he had a razor in school and thought about self-harming but you know what? He's so much stronger than I was. So much stronger! He thought about us, how we would feel, how sad we would be, knowing he hurt himself and threw the blade away dad. He threw it away! My heart still breaks knowing what he could have done: thought about doing and I just wish I could hold him and never let him go. Do you know he actually sometimes helps me when I have a break down? When I'm crying and try hiding it from others, Toby right there and it's like God uses him to keep me from giving up. It hurts to know that I can't do the same for him. I'm the big sister and yet he's the one getting me through my mental break downs. He's the one that has the most hope. He tries his best every day to make you proud and yeah he's a pain and slips up but all he wants is his dad. That's all...many might see it as wanting attention or sympathy but where were we when he needed us? Yes, I am to blame also. I am not guiltless. Before I thought keeping Toby away from me would benefit him to not become like me but that was neglect and it pushed him further into that isolation he felt. You are always taking the other kids side and Brenda's: where the time for Toby? Just you guys? A relationship never starts if you two won't talk and hear each other out. Don't be so quick to anger and lash out; try to understand the other. I tell Toby all the time that you love him but because of how you were raised it's hard for you to fully see the big picture and he has to take that into account. That you say and do what you think is best and is only looking out for us because you worry and love us. I try urging Toby to speak to you but he's afraid because you're always angry at him and it makes it hard for him to approach you and speak. He's also too nice of a person to snitch on Jocelyn when she acts up or puts him down. I'm not going to force you or tell you how to raise Toby but please look around yourself, look at Toby...one day you'll wake up or finally pay attention to everything and see us truly gone. Grown up and moved out and you're left alone...I don't want that.

So God, I want to pray for my dad and brother. Please guide them to see each other eye to eye and humble them when anger lashes through them. I know they much feel alone and burdened by everyday life, Please ease their pain. Take the cuts that festers and scars within them and heal them Lord. Help us all get our priorities straight, even when we feel lost and there's so many voices screaming in our mind that you quite them God and whisper in our ears clarity. I pray that you light a fire in our hearts to search you and have mercy on us when we stumble Lord. Thank you for all we have and each other. Help us take nothing for granted because we are not you Lord: We do not know the future and what it will bring. I pray you help us, be our strength and our courage when the fear or pain takes hold and paralyzes us. I pray for Brenda and her kids as well that you protect them through each and every day and that you work through them and show them that everyone has feelings. I pray that you give me the wisdom and knowledge to do what is right and of you Lord. In Jesus mighty name: Amen.

Candy.