My Letters to God.

Letter 82

Man...God. I just want to smile and rest in You. I guess I forgot what I learned and let frustration pull me down. God. I know I didn't go against you but the thoughts in my head and the paranoia that questions mixed with my feelings...it all gets to me that I always forget to pray to You. Remember what YOU tell me through the bible and that nothing can pull me away from You. I need to relearn how to breath. Stop looking at the storm and look back at you. It's so hard God but I don't want to give up. What I failed to realize is that You brought through these same storms before. You saw me through it all before and will always give me grace to continue on and rescue me. I guess I get so frustrated with myself because I'm always trying to stand by myself-show you the strength that's not in me. I'm clinging on when really I don't have to because You're carrying me Jesus. I cried again yesterday. I guess I got freaked out after the ulcer talk with my cousin and then the throwing up. I guess I worry a lot about failing you or rejecting you when something scary happens like in those movies or stories like God's not dead. If I think the wrong thing then it's all over. I don't want that then it makes me so frustrated because I'm afraid my heart isn't clean sort to speak in your eyes. What if it's all wicked? What if I'm not right with you. Those thoughts come after the voices and I just want to curl up and stay asleep forever but I need to stop! You tell me every single day through every single thing that I am YOURS and You are with me. I have You so stop worrying. You got me and You understand me. You never force me but You advice and urge me to do what is right. Sometimes I feel like a monster against You and everyone else but You say I'm not. You say I'm human and need to stop freaking out. You call me beautiful and today I learned that You CRY for me Jesus...You hurt when I hurt...when I do bad or when I'm in my freak out zone and forget about You. Lord...I keep hurting you but You still give me hope and assurance that You didn't leave me. I just need to pray and thank You even when I feel like poop. Thank You and look at the things You gave me endlessly and be grateful for them. To stop worrying about tomorrow or the future and if I'm going to fail or not. I fail all the time but do what's right out of love for You. I don't see tomorrow Lord or my future. I don't know what I want to do, when I'm going to die, or if I'm going to find someone and settle down and have a family. I don't know how much longer this world will last but stop worrying because It's all in Your hands. Death isn't the end. It's just the beginning and I want eternity with You Jesus. Live right. It's not easy but make the right decisions and pray and love. Laugh. Relax and just focus on all the good things that are from You. Don't get blinded by the storm and don't block out reality but live everyday like you are coming to take us home. Live every moment cherishing what you have and be yourself. The more I read and learn from You Jesus, You will make me better so I should just stop trying to push the process. I don't understand much Lord. In fact everything seems to confuse me when I try working out the why's and how's but I want to stop stalling Your work God and stop taking the wheel back. You're in the driver's seat. Take me where You want me. Thank You for the people You always place in my life to keep me going. For showing me around what true women of You are, God. Thank you for the talk I have with my family and friends and thank you Jesus for watching over me with my sleep. Thank You for always telling me truth and to not lean on my understanding and emotions. To providing me and my family with everything from jobs to the little kids. Thank You Jesus for cleansing me with Your blood and changing me from that monster I always felt like. The process hurts but God, thank you. I know once I learn and during these trials God, You are making me strong. I want to see the type of woman You make me. God. I want to see the masterpiece You're making out of my ashes. In Jesus mightiest name: Amen.

Candy.