Kissed All the Boys | Frerard + COMPLETE ! |

➵ ELEVEN

Genevieve helped her mom with the rest of dinner and ate in front of the TV, not one question regarding Frank being asked. Gen silently thanked her for that. She needed to wrap her head around it herself. When the time came for her to disappear into her room, she put Blackstar on the stereo and lied on her bed above the covers with her clothes on, the ceiling a blank canvas for her thoughts. The light was turned off and she plugged in the window lights, the dim room shutting the lids of her eyes and soul.

What's happening to me? I feel so different inside, like I'm not myself anymore. There's this ball of yarn deep in my chest and every time I see Frank a tiny hand tugs on the loose string and leaves it unwound until he leaves and then the ball is wound back up tighter than before. Why's he doing this to me? What is so special about him? I don't need this right now. I have other problems to deal with...God, why is this bra so itchy?

She got up off the bed and took her shirt off, searching in her drawer for a sports bra. When she found a black one at the very back she slid it on and put her pajamas on while she was at it. The mirror hanging atop the dresser cast her reflection back at her and she froze. Who's that? No, that can't be me.

Gen lifted her chin and ran a finger along her jawline then across her lips. In one sudden movement, she lifted her shirt and turned to the side, staring at her breasts through her sports bra. They weren't that big, she only wore a 34B, but as Gen stared, she thought, those don't belong there. I don't want them there. How do I get rid of them?

Sitting down at her desk, Genevieve lifted the lid of her laptop and opened Google, typing in the words 'How to bind your chest'.

She clicked on the top link, which brought her to a thread on answers.com. The user asked the same question as her and she scrolled to the first reply.

The safest way is to buy a binder that fits you, otherwise you can damage your chest tissue and cause unwanted fluid buildup using other methods of binding, such as Ace bandages or duct tape. There are binders available on many different websites geared towards trans men or non-binary individuals.

Going back to the search engine, Gen typed in 'Where to buy chest binders' and a whole list of websites came up. Clicking on gc2b.co, she explored the different types of binders for different types of people, noticing that most of the prices ranged between $20 and $40.

She pulled her wallet out of her jacket and opened it to find a five and three ones. Shit, I'm broke. She considered asking her mom, but dismissed the ludicrous idea immediately. She can't know. She'll think something's wrong with me.

Then she remembered seeing something about bandages. She returned to the first website she'd visited and saw the possible risks. It can't be that bad. I'll only wear it for a little while.

Racking her mind of where her mom kept the medicine supplies, Gen put her shirt back on and slowly tiptoed down the hall to the living room. All the lights were turned off and her mother's bedroom door was shut. All of a sudden, a memory of a seven year old Genevieve resurfaced, back to when she had fallen off her bike and skinned her knee. Donna sat her on the counter in the kitchen and cleaned her up... the kitchen!

Gen avoided the couch and knew she had made it into the kitchen when her toes hit the cold tile floor. She opened the far corner cabinet, but it was too dark for her to make out the contents. She slid out her phone and turned the flashlight on, aiming it and pulling out the plastic container that held the first aid kit and... bandages. She took the roll out and put the box back as it was, turning off the light and silently returning to her room.

Taking a deep breath after shutting the door and walking in front of the mirror, Gen yanked her shirt and bra off, unrolling the thick, nude gauze and beginning to wrap it around her chest. It took her a few tries to get it tight enough, but once she had, she clipped it on and stared at herself with wide eyes, turning around and observing it from different perspectives. She felt a little constricted, but more than that, Genevieve felt new. There was just something about that moment that changed her genetic makeup. Everything was coming together. Making sense. This was the new and improved Genevieve.