A Shot At Love [MFBTY- Bizzy AMBW]

Chapter 57

Dear Joon Young, 

Spring has finally arrived. It reminds me of the days when you were still here to hold my hand... Your birthday came and gone, and I spent the day crying while our baby girl was out having fun with her Uncles. I didn't want to be the rain in her parade, so I stayed behind. I miss you... I miss those moments when I used to lay on your chest and listen to your heartbeat.

Your heartbeat... my rhythm of life has gone where you are. It's hard raising our daughter without you, but I make sure to talk about you every day. Mocha-Sarang knows how much you love her and prayed for her to come into our lives. I imagined this present moment differently.

I thought I could handle the pain of being away from you, but I can't... I fooled myself into believing that the absence of your presence wouldn't affect me as much. It's too overwhelming for me to handle when I think about how you think we're dead...

Have you moved on? Have you found someone new? Have you forgotten about us? Is that why you have yet to return? I'm jealous of the people who get to spend time with you. Time has stolen you away from me again, and I have to hide the aching in my heart from our daughter. You invade my dreams often, and it sucks because I have nothing to remember you by- nothing solid that I can give to Mocha-Sarang. 

Our life is buried in the ashes...

》》》》

It's been 3 years since anyone has last seen or spoken to Joon Young. Our daughter Mocha-Sarang has grown to be a beautiful young girl. She acts just like Joon Young most times, and it breaks my heart that she never got to meet him in person. 

One day, a week before Mocha-Sarang's 3rd birthday, we were in our garage. I was writing a letter to Joon Young, like I do every other day, and Mocha-Sarang was finger painting. I looked up when she said something that shocked me. Usually she's not one to talk unless she has something to say- another trait she received from her father.

“I’m glad God gave you to me as my Mommy.”

I wasn’t ready for it. “What?” I asked, making sure I heard her right.

She spoke again, but it came out a bit awkward. "I'm glad you are my mom from God." Her little heart can hold more love than I often know. Her little mind…is not so little as I think it is. She thinks far beyond what I would expect.

“Did you have to wait a long time for me Mom?” she asked. I have told her the clean version of the story many times, but she wanted to hear it again.

I stepped across the junk on the floor and came a little closer to her. “Yes,” I said. “I asked God for a baby over and over again. There were complications in the beginning, and He didn’t give me one for a long time. And when me and Daddy found out you were in my tummy, we were so happy!” I told her.

“Do you know why God took so long to give you a baby?” Mocha-Sarang asked.

“No, honey,” I said. “I don’t know.”

“I know why,” she said.

“Why?” I asked her cautiously.

“Because…" she said, "He was making me.” 

He was making me.

I looked into her deep brown eyes, that seemed to know something from another world, and her black hair russled in the breeze. And in that moment, she seemed a thousand years old.

I don’t know what God was doing with her up there. There is just something about her, that seems as if she spent a long time on God’s chest before coming to mine. Almost as if heaven didn’t want to give her up.

And perhaps if He’s moving so slowly, and He’s taking so long…it’s because He’s forming something so breathtaking and beautiful…it cannot be rushed. He is in the process of forming a masterpiece.

At least that's what I sensed God was trying to tell me in this moment. Although it may seem like Joon Young is lost from us right now, wait, because God is in the process of bringing beauty from our ashes. So I'll wait. Lord knows I've prayed for Joon Young to return to us. I've traveled to all of the places I could think he would have gone to, but I've always returned empty handed.

I won't put myself through that again. I won't leave Mocha-Sarang alone anymore. She needs me more than ever. And the simple fact that she's thanking God for me is a blessing in and of itself. That truth warms my heart. I never envisioned my life to turn out the way it did, but I'm thankful for every moment because it gave me Mocha-Sarang in the end.