𝒋𝒗𝒐 𝒊𝒎𝒂𝒈𝒊𝒏𝒆𝒔࿐

✰ broken.

i lie awake in bed, staring at the ceiling. the white comforter, vailed over my numb body. as i lay, and over think everything while i'm alone. holding this in, and now is the time that i explode. as much as i don't want to, my explosions come when they please.

the white wooden bedroom door squeaks, as it opens my gaze still falls to the ceiling. i already know who it is, johnny. my boyfriend that i wanted to adore badly at this very moment, but i didn't have it in me.

a small peck is placed to my temple, moving my head slightly. i stare up at the boy who's face is hovering over mine.

"i missed you, a lot." he breathes, my nostrils filling with his vanilla cologne fragrance.

"i missed you too." i put on a fake ass smile, that he just believes and sees straight past. he has been for the past five months, acting as if everything is normal. living everyday like nothing is wrong with me. everyday of my life has been a lie.

"i'm gunna go shower, you wanna come?" he asks, walking over to the drawers on our shared dresser. removing his sweatshirt and throwing it onto the bed. leaving him in tipped black jeans for now.

"no, i'm fine, i'll shower later.." i toy with the skin on my hands, trying to hold my explosion back once more.

waiting for him, just waiting for him to step foot in the bathroom so that i can ball my eyes out.

"you sure?" he asks, walking back over to the bed, to get to me. connecting his lips with the center of my forehead, leaving them there for a hot second.

"i'm sure," i assure him. pushing my emotions back, the more he's around the more my mind goes insane.

my mind is raging.

"baby?" he asks, his questioning gaze sauntered me as i hoped he wasn't about to ask what was wrong with me.

"mhm." i hum.

"i'll be out shortly," he cups my face, as i'm completely else where. he doesn't know that i'm the darkest hours of the night i lie awake while he holds me, overthinking. "i love you."

"i love you too." i seethe, crossing my arms. his presence starts to the bathroom, grabbing his change of clothes and leaving me in bed alone.

how could he not see that his girlfriend was broken every day, and just walk around like everything way smooth and normal.

it isn't johnny fault though, he has no clue because i keep everything inside. i let no one in, because everyone chooses to hurt me. even ruin me.

i envy people with their fake smiles and fake lives and act like nothing can ever go wrong.

johnny and i fight, we've been good lately but when we do i shut down. that's when i'm truly at my worse, but we haven't fought and that's the exact way that i feel now. except a bit more extreme.

the second the bathroom door knob hits the latch to close i break down.

covering and wrapping myself in the blanket. as i cry out loudly. the pain never ends.

my minds fucking insane.

call me psycho what ever in the fuck you what to, but my mind wanders and depicts every little detail about an individual or something in particular.

"why!" i hear myself sob.

everyone acts like this shit is completely normal for me to act and be this way. i stay upstairs in this room all day every day and i can never come out. these four walls have been my only source of comfort.

just trying to get in touch. i've been so fucking down. i'm so tired all the time. trying to sleep at night is a nightmare, i think it might be time for me to leave.

i hate it. i literally hate it.

every day i just feel like dying.

a failure, you don't know what it's like to be worthless. where nothing you do matters. i feel that way everyday of my life. every damn day.

life is pain. i wake up every morning and i'm in pain. i go to work and i'm in pain. i want to give up. i am in pain.

"fuck!" i sob again, my tears welling up on the blanket around me.

i feel steam from the bathroom mix with the coolness of the air conditioned bed room. the bathroom door slamming against the back of the wall, and shower water still running. didn't think he'd hear me over it.

the comforter is begging yanked off of me. probably revealing my pale skin, bloodshot eyes, wet face.

i glared up at him, tears blurring my vision. an expression on his face of hurt.

he gently pushed my frail body, climbing into the open space of the bed.

pulling me into his lap, not sure of what to do.

"babygirl.." he's puzzled, "i-i don't u-understand you were gone a few minutes ago." exactly, you didn't know that i've been hurting for months and today's the first day you experienced one of my explosions.

"i need you to tell me what's wrong." he wiped my tears that continued to stream down my wet cheeks. i leaned my head back against his chest, feeling myself hyperventilate.

"shh, shh.. breathe, baby, breathe," he rubs my back soothingly, as my own tears start to overwhelm my overworked body. "i can't fix it, if you don't tell me what's wrong."

he takes his large hands, and captures my cold small ones inside. trying to give me the warmth that i needed.

"just hold me! please, god, just hold me!" i scream, sobbing more. i can feel his worried heavy breathing on my neck. he pulls me closer into him, rocking our bodies back and forth.

"hey, shh, i'm here baby. i'm right here." he's in a state of panic, as he's never seen me this way. i can't stand it, i scream even more now.

"i'm what's wrong!" my lip quivers, probably something johnny never wanted to witness his girlfriend say. "there's nothing i can do about it!"

"no, no, no angel-" he tuts before i cut him off.

"if i'm not hurting myself, i'm hurting everyone around me!" my light sniffles beginning to burn. "there's nothing i can do about it!"

"baby girl you're not hurting me, i'm sorry and i know you've heard this all before. i love you to the ends of this fucking world, and you haven't told me any of this." what if said wasn't even the half of what was wrong with me, if only he knew. fucking insane.

"im broken!"

—

idk if i'm gunna update anymore, like at all. no one gives to shits and no ones reading this anyway. what the fuck is the point in anything anymore. god damn man, i fucking hate this.